Friday, September 22, 2006
d tHĩngŻ ĩ do wėn ĩM ?ĩnLüv..
MOOD: reminiscent..MUSIC: Pag-Ibig - Kitchie Nadal
As much as i wanna blah blah blah about our family night out last Wednesday night *Ma's 57th birthday celebration*, after reading, for the nth time, my blog *past & present*, Irish', and Kai's, i was inspired to write about how i am, when ?in loved.:D
I took up a subject again, after it has been given credit already. Biro mo. Transferee ako sa school. May mga subjects ng credited from the former school. Tapos Divine was enrolled in the subject. Hala sige. Take two ako, kahit di naman bagsak. Hehehe.
I took a longer route going home. I live in Bicutan, he lives in Sucat *both in Paranaque*. Pero ang gawain ko, sasabay ako hanggang Sucat. Tipong, longer quality time. Di naman ako masyadong mapapalayo. Ang kaso, pagsakay namin ng jeep, unang stopover, Bicutan, bago Sucat. Pwede naman akong dun na lang bumaba. Parehong trike na lang naman ang last ride ko eh. Tsk tsk tsk.:D
I braved the heat to buy grad gift. Eto yun eh. Summer na nun, as in scorching hot ang panahon. Tapos, graduation rites na nina JJ later that afternoon. Wala pa akong gift. Ang ginawa ko, kinaladkad ko bestfriend ko. Habang angkas ako ng bisikleta niya, inikot namin ang bayan, para makakita ng maireregalo. A couple of times, nakasalubong pa namin siya, naka-scooter, pero siyempre, para di kami mapansin, lusot-lusot na lang kami sa mga eskinita. Haaay. Kaloka. 30 minutes bago mag-12, nakakita rin ako ng matinong white shirt for him.:)
I'm sick and i don't mind. As long as i get to see him. As long as i can be with him. As long as i can make him happy. Haaay. Backseat talaga ang health ko, when i get hit by the love bug. Hehehe.:D
I got jealous over some of my friends. E pano naman kasi, mas malaki at ang naibigay na atensyon sa kanila, kesa sa akin. Tapos, looking back, maiisip ko, ang babaw at walang basehan yung pagseselos ko. Added to that, wala naman akong right in the first place.
I actually enjoyed metal music. Nagpa-burn pa nga ako sa ng CD eh, puro metal. In fairness, na-appreciate ko yung music *kung music ngang matatawag*, kahit pa sabihing for a limited period lang. I actually enjoyed I Miss You Love (Silverchair) and Remedy (Abandoned Pools).
I came to love OPM songs. I actually have a playlist na puro OPM lang. May naging favorite nga ako for some time eh. Feeling ko kasi, theme song ko. Napapailing na lang friends ko sa choice of music ko. Wala na akong paki that time. Kanya-kanyang trip lang. Hehehe.
I got drunk over them. On different occasions naman, hindi isang bagsakan ang pagpapakalango. And the drinking session all happened because i was broken-hearted. Sobrang nasaktan din naman kasi ako, and although i've often said na di nasasagot ng pag-inom ang problema't sakit na dinadala ko, ayun. Go ako sa paglagok ng kung ano. Only to realize a few hours later, mas grabe pa yung sakit ng ulo ko after, dahil sa hangover.:D
I was able to write several poems. May progression nga eh. Basta, i wrote what i felt that time. Kung hindi man sa blog entries, sa tula ko rin nailalabas yung mga kinikimkim kong damdamin. Poetic ang lola mo pag inlababo.:)
I offered to write essays and papers and projects and all. Anything for love, ika nga. Kahit magkanda-duling duling na ako sa dami ng words. O kaya magkanda-puyat puyat na ako para lang makatapos ng isang matinong paragraph, okay lang. Kahit nauubusan na rin ako ng English na pwedeng magamit, sige pa rin. Para lang sa taong mahal ko. Haaay! Life. Para talagang buhay.
I set up blog account. Kasi nga naman, di ko masabi ng harap-harapan sa taong mahal ko kung ano tunay kong nararamdaman, lahat idinaan ko sa blog. Yung saya. Sakit. Yung pagkalito, pagkabigo, at kung ano pang anek-anek na kaakibat ng pagmamahal. Lahat. *tapos, after six months or so, bigla akong magre-reminisce, matatawa na lang ako* Ang drama naman kasi pala ng lovelife ko. Hahaha.
So there. Nagkakaganyan ako pag inLove. Kung ano ano ang nagagawa. Yung iba, kinda s2peed na. Yung iba, silly. Tapos ngayon, habang iniisa-isa ko itong mga ito, natatawa nga ako sa sarili ko eh. Tipong, "ganito pala ako.." ang dating sa akin. Hahaha. 48 million years nga, bago ko matapos ito, kasi, sa tuwing may maiisip ako, reminisce muna, bago type. Ewan ko rin kung buo nga ba 'to. Kung may nakalimutan man ako, remind me. Hehehe. Leave a comment na lang.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
of dizzy spells and headaches..
MOOD: sick..MUSIC: none..
I didn't go to work today. I'm not feeling really well. It's been like this for almost two weeks now. I have dizzy spells in the morning, then a headache in the afternoon. Today, i woke up feeling dizzy, and a throbbing pain in my head. I can't even stand and walk well since my legs hurt *got history of rheumatic fever kasi, legs are my indication that i'm getting sick or something*. I badly need some rest.
But for some reason, i have to get out of the house, find the nearest open internet shop *so glad i found one*, and go online. Haaay naku! Kung di lang ano, di ko gagawin ito.
Happy thoughts. Just happy thoughts.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
all locked up..
MOOD: feeling sick..MUSIC: *none for the moment*
Bottled up emotions. Locked up feelings. Hidden desires. Unspoken love. Sometimes, these are the hardest things to keep, not because you've got no one to share them with, but because even if you tell it to everyone, that one person, with whom these things are all about, would just take everything in stride, sometimes, even without a care. Rather than going on, telling everybody about these, i'd choose to keep them to myself, until finally, they will be all that matters to that person. Maybe.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
keeping to myself..
MOOD: still up.. can't sleep..MUSIC: Maria - Santana
Sometimes, just when i have the luxury of sleep, i seem to unconsciously let the chance slip away, and stay up late. It’s either i’m up reading a good book, or i’m just staring off into the darkness of our room, thinking. And now, to avoid doing the latter, which usually ends in a tear-stained pillow in the morning, i sit here in front of my PC and decide to write about things instead.
I won’t go into details, so as not to burden anyone with my problems. I just wanna talk, or in this case, write freely. There’s so much that i wanna share, but then again, there’s this feeling of not wanting to explain myself to others anymore. Not that i’m tired or anything. There just comes a point when you realize as to what extent you should reveal yourself to others. And yes, there’s also this fear of being misunderstood. That, and having your say fall on deaf ears.
All my life, i’ve felt like i’ve been so transparent. My friends, and others as well, could see right through me. It’s as if, they could read me like a book. My mood swings, my sarcastic comments, my deadpan statements, my not-so-subtle hints, my dry humor. I’ve been under the ever watchful eyes of people surrounding me for so long, that i’ve always felt the need to please them, and explain myself to everyone else. I have shared so much of my life with others that it seemed i’ve got nothing more left to keep to myself. That in itself is something that i’m trying hard to redeem.
But keeping things from others *read: not sharing much of what i feel deep inside* has its own price. Often, people just make up their opinion of me. They believe what they wanna believe, coz they feel that’s how i feel. Unless i speak up and make a correction, i am already deliberated. Me shutting up and not commenting about it only reaffirms others of their assumptions. Me explaining otherwise makes me defensive. It’s like i’m on trial, with a no-win situation.
But of course, not everyone fall into that category. There are still those who know me, the real me. Those who, even in absence, can realize what i’m trying to say. Those who love and respect me well enough to understand my need to keep some things to myself, my desire to keep secrets. Those are my friends.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
some points to ponder..
MOOD: eto, still thinking..MUSIC: Til the End of Time - Westlife
Lately, i'm really loving my intellectual conversations with Irish *at talagang mukhang sikat ang jANAKis ko lately sa mga blog entries ko ah, hahaha!*. Be it over the telephone, or text messaging, or YM-ing, we analyze, as we put it, our situations. Andami pwedeng pag-usapan, pero ang madalas naming i-dissect, ang lovelife namin. Yup, meron kami nun. Magulo man, makulay naman. And after a series of seemingly endless kuwentuhans, often i'm left with a lots of things to ponder.
Being somebody who’s different from what the society’s used to, doesn’t make you less of a person. Bakit? E sa ganyan ka eh. Wala na silang magagawa dun. People say be true to yourself, pero pag nagpakatotoo ka naman, andami pa rin nilang questions. So san ka pa di ba? Di mo na tuloy alam kung san ka nga lulugar. So what i say is, be true. Others may not understand it. Others may question you. But still, you’re right, simply by choosing to be the real you.
We don’t love a wrong person. We just love, at a wrong time. Hindi naman kasi ata magandang isiping laging maling tao na lang ang minamahal natin. It reflects very badly of us. I guess it’s better to say it was just the wrong time. Or the wrong reason. Or the wrong place. We can blame everything else, but never the person. Wala naman siyang ginawa eh. Minahal lang natin sila.
Just because the one we chose to love doesn’t love us back, we can’t go on loving that person. Love is given freely by that one person that loves, and if that someone chose to give love, but for some reason, not to you, it doesn’t mean we can’t give the same amount of love that we’re capable of giving. If we expect our love to be always reciprocated, it’s like saying i love you, love me too. Love shouldn’t be demanded.
Tears shouldn’t always be an indication that you’re hurt. Not crying doesn’t have to mean i’m not hurting. Tears nowadays can be so deceiving, cried out just to have sympathetic people turn their attention to you, used as a means of getting what you want. So what i’m trying to say is that, not because i don’t cry anymore, I’m not harboring any pain inside. I am.
You don’t get over pain. You just learn to deal and live with it through time. So goes a text message i’ve received, not once or twice, but many times already. But only lately did i realize how true it was. Para bang, the pain grows on you, more often, making you numb already. Yung tipong, mas manibago ka kung hindi ka na nasaktan. Hindi naman sa hinahanap-hanap mo na yung sakit. More of like, you are used to it na, and that you’ve somehow accepted that love and pain are a package deal.
Ewan ko. Sa dami ng na-tackle naming topics, parang hindi enough ang isang blog entry para sa lahat ng yun. To follow na lang yung iba. Kai, kelan naman kaya ikaw ang makakadiskusyon ko neto? Haaay. Miss you all.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
to forgive and forget?
MOOD: sleepy na.. i just need to post this..MUSIC: Pag-Ibig - Kitchie Nadal
A few hours ago, Irish texted me to say she now knows why we can forgive, but can't forget *in relation to my previous post*.
Na-forgive na natin sila *meaning, the past*, pero di natin ma-forget, or ayaw nating i-forget, kasi kapag kinalimutan natin yung mga ginawa nila, magugustuhan uli natin sila. Yung mga ginawa nila ang nagiging dahilan para di na natin sila balikan. Yung mga ginawa nilang pananakit ang nagsisilbing wall na nakapagitan sa atin at sa kanila.
Not exactly her words, but that's what she meant. I know, tama siya.
okay ako, promise..:D
MOOD: sleepy.. puyat kagabi..MUSIC: Cruel To Be Kind - Letters to Cleo
At talagang naunahan na niya ako sa pagpost neto. A little more than two hours lang naman kami nag-usap sa phone last night. Ang dapat, may ikukuwento lang sana akong nakakatuwa kay Irish, e ang kaso, napahaba ang usapan. Andaming topic na napasok sa conversation namin. Di na namin namalayan, pasado alas-dose na ng magpaalaman kami.
So yun na nga, 75% na ata ng conversation namin, eto ang sumakop. Umikot ikot na ang usapan. And it seemed to boil down to one thing, you can't forgive when you can't forget. At least, that was what i thought.
Hindi ko rin tuloy malaman kung kanino o kung saan nga ba ako galit. Sa kanya ba, o sa nangyari, o sa mga dapat pero di nangyari? Ewan. Naisip ko tuloy, mas lalo ko lang ginulo sarili ko. Sabi nga namin ni Irish, heto na naman kami sa pag-aanalyze ng mga bagay bagay. Yun nga lang, mas nakaka-confuse.
Natanong ko tuloy, kelangan ba talagang connected ang letting go at moving on? Necessary ba ang pag-forget para masabi mong you were able to forgive? What do i have to do to prove i am really okay? Or that i have moved on and let go? Minsan tuloy, i wanna think love is a simple thing, made complicated with these impossible questions about it. Haaay! Life talaga.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
sarcastic daw?!
MOOD: bored..MUSIC: *aircon buzz*
| You're Totally Sarcastic |
 You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitude, then too bad. So sad. |
Friday, September 01, 2006
a bitter BETTER person..
MOOD: *anxiety attack*MUSIC: Half crazy - Freestyle
Confirmed. Bitter pa nga rin ata ako. No. Hindi ata. Bitter pa nga rin ako. I started to realize this when Augz joked na baka sa intern company ko din siya *that someone from the recent past* mag-intern, and i seriously answered Augz na, mag-intern na siya anywhere, wag lang same as mine. Sagot niya, nagkakaganun ako, kasi bitter ako. Of course by that time i denied it, saying i am not, and that i am okay.
Then, just this morning, ewan ko kung pano kami napunta sa topic na yun ni Irish, pero usapang bitterness uli kami. This time, i told her that lately, i've realized na, bitter pa nga rin siguro ako. But i made it clear na i'm bitter, not because i'm still hurt, but because i felt frustrated for not being able to tell him how much he's hurt me. Tipong hindi ko naisumbat sa kanya kung gano niya ako nasaktan sa pambabalewala niya. Yung tipong nakakaasar siya sa di niya pagpapahalaga sa naramdaman ko. The fact that i was on the verge of wanting to really hate him so much then, that all these bitterness come in.
I know i've moved on. I know i'm okay. Happy na ako. Yet, Irish said na baka closure is all i need. That maybe i need to talk to him about what i've felt. Tell him how hard it was to move on, knowing there were things left hanging. Pero what's the point of it pa? I don't think it matters now, talking to him about it, i mean. Para bang for me, it's all too late. I got hurt. I cried. I've forgiven. I've moved on. I'm okay now. But as Irish had said, i've forgiven, but not forgotten. Ewan ko. Baka nga, at the back of my mind, may galit pa. Okay, sama ng loob na lang, since galit is such a strong word.
I guess she's right. I haven't forgotten. I guess that's why i find it hard to at least be even civil with him when we see each other. I'm no longer affected. I don't care about his activities, of his whereabouts, or what he's doing with his life. Nasobrahan nga lang ata ang di ko pagpapa-apekto, dahil kahit konti, parang ayaw ko ng isiping he still has something to do with my life. Para ngang pati friendship, ayaw ko na ring ibalik. But no, i know i'll forget. Not in the near future, but probably eight to ten years from now.
Argh! I thought this would be the last time i'm talking about him here, but i guess not. Ang gusto ko na lang itatak sa isip ko, because of him, i am now a BETTER person, not a BITTER person. Pero bakit parang pareho lang ako? Tuloy, sometimes i think, hundred percent okay nga ba talaga ako? Basta, ang alam ko, i'm more okay than i'm not.
...
An ultimate test of how good of a friend i really am comes up tomorrow. I hope i can handle it.
