Clueless: My Revelations: keeping to myself..

Saturday, September 09, 2006

keeping to myself..

MOOD: still up.. can't sleep..
MUSIC: Maria - Santana

Sometimes, just when i have the luxury of sleep, i seem to unconsciously let the chance slip away, and stay up late. It’s either i’m up reading a good book, or i’m just staring off into the darkness of our room, thinking. And now, to avoid doing the latter, which usually ends in a tear-stained pillow in the morning, i sit here in front of my PC and decide to write about things instead.

I won’t go into details, so as not to burden anyone with my problems. I just wanna talk, or in this case, write freely. There’s so much that i wanna share, but then again, there’s this feeling of not wanting to explain myself to others anymore. Not that i’m tired or anything. There just comes a point when you realize as to what extent you should reveal yourself to others. And yes, there’s also this fear of being misunderstood. That, and having your say fall on deaf ears.

All my life, i’ve felt like i’ve been so transparent. My friends, and others as well, could see right through me. It’s as if, they could read me like a book. My mood swings, my sarcastic comments, my deadpan statements, my not-so-subtle hints, my dry humor. I’ve been under the ever watchful eyes of people surrounding me for so long, that i’ve always felt the need to please them, and explain myself to everyone else. I have shared so much of my life with others that it seemed i’ve got nothing more left to keep to myself. That in itself is something that i’m trying hard to redeem.

But keeping things from others *read: not sharing much of what i feel deep inside* has its own price. Often, people just make up their opinion of me. They believe what they wanna believe, coz they feel that’s how i feel. Unless i speak up and make a correction, i am already deliberated. Me shutting up and not commenting about it only reaffirms others of their assumptions. Me explaining otherwise makes me defensive. It’s like i’m on trial, with a no-win situation.

But of course, not everyone fall into that category. There are still those who know me, the real me. Those who, even in absence, can realize what i’m trying to say. Those who love and respect me well enough to understand my need to keep some things to myself, my desire to keep secrets. Those are my friends.

i've been Tin Nolasco at 01:42

3 read and shared

at Mon Sep 11, 08:34:00 AM 2006,
Anonymous had this to say

hmmm.... speechless ata ako.. =)
at Mon Sep 11, 04:45:00 PM 2006,
Anonymous had this to say

hmmm. bakit malungkot ang entry mo? nakakaiyak naman....
at Wed Sep 13, 01:36:00 PM 2006,
Anonymous had this to say

hehehhee yeah were desame nga eh heheh its been a long na hindi tayo nakakapag open forum ha dami ko na nga gustong sabihin sainyo hehehe.. same lang tayo nararamdaman as of now.. as you said meron yung mga tao na nakakaalam kung sino ka at meron din yung mga tao na hindi nakakaalam kung sino ka heheh parang ako ganun din heheh minsan naman kwentuhan tayo I need someone to talk to hehhehehe kelan kaya darating yung araw na mag usap usap tayo heheh.. i miss you all [dito ko na lang sinabi hehe alam mo naman ako madrama hahaha masanay ka] napaisip tuloy ako kung saan ako sa level na yan.. ??yung sa taong nakakalam kung sino ka or ??dun sa hindi nakakaalam or ??medyo nakakaalm hehehehe damot mo kase heehehe hindi ka nag oopen ng truly madly deeply secret hehehhe..

p.s sencia taglish lang kaya ko eh hindi kaya pure english