Friday, September 01, 2006
a bitter BETTER person..
MOOD: *anxiety attack*
MUSIC: Half crazy - Freestyle
Confirmed. Bitter pa nga rin ata ako. No. Hindi ata. Bitter pa nga rin ako. I started to realize this when Augz joked na baka sa intern company ko din siya *that someone from the recent past* mag-intern, and i seriously answered Augz na, mag-intern na siya anywhere, wag lang same as mine. Sagot niya, nagkakaganun ako, kasi bitter ako. Of course by that time i denied it, saying i am not, and that i am okay.
Then, just this morning, ewan ko kung pano kami napunta sa topic na yun ni Irish, pero usapang bitterness uli kami. This time, i told her that lately, i've realized na, bitter pa nga rin siguro ako. But i made it clear na i'm bitter, not because i'm still hurt, but because i felt frustrated for not being able to tell him how much he's hurt me. Tipong hindi ko naisumbat sa kanya kung gano niya ako nasaktan sa pambabalewala niya. Yung tipong nakakaasar siya sa di niya pagpapahalaga sa naramdaman ko. The fact that i was on the verge of wanting to really hate him so much then, that all these bitterness come in.
I know i've moved on. I know i'm okay. Happy na ako. Yet, Irish said na baka closure is all i need. That maybe i need to talk to him about what i've felt. Tell him how hard it was to move on, knowing there were things left hanging. Pero what's the point of it pa? I don't think it matters now, talking to him about it, i mean. Para bang for me, it's all too late. I got hurt. I cried. I've forgiven. I've moved on. I'm okay now. But as Irish had said, i've forgiven, but not forgotten. Ewan ko. Baka nga, at the back of my mind, may galit pa. Okay, sama ng loob na lang, since galit is such a strong word.
I guess she's right. I haven't forgotten. I guess that's why i find it hard to at least be even civil with him when we see each other. I'm no longer affected. I don't care about his activities, of his whereabouts, or what he's doing with his life. Nasobrahan nga lang ata ang di ko pagpapa-apekto, dahil kahit konti, parang ayaw ko ng isiping he still has something to do with my life. Para ngang pati friendship, ayaw ko na ring ibalik. But no, i know i'll forget. Not in the near future, but probably eight to ten years from now.
Argh! I thought this would be the last time i'm talking about him here, but i guess not. Ang gusto ko na lang itatak sa isip ko, because of him, i am now a BETTER person, not a BITTER person. Pero bakit parang pareho lang ako? Tuloy, sometimes i think, hundred percent okay nga ba talaga ako? Basta, ang alam ko, i'm more okay than i'm not.
...
An ultimate test of how good of a friend i really am comes up tomorrow. I hope i can handle it.
i've been Tin Nolasco at 22:43
2 read and shared
at Mon Sep 04, 08:08:00 AM 2006,
Anonymous had this to say
ayan na naman tayo kay bitter at better.. basta ako naging sour and spicy.. hehehe.. ano pa nga ba macocomment ko?.. eh sinabi ko na sayo kung ano tingin ko.. basta be thankful na lanbg na naging BETTER person ka because of him.. =)
at Tue Sep 05, 10:28:00 AM 2006,
Anonymous had this to say
nalimutan ko magcomment kahapon. aish. short term memory *sinapak sarili*
*cough*
alam mo napapaisip tuloy ako. habang binabasa ko yung entry mo, EKSAKTO. SAPUL. AKO. Ganyang ganyan din ang sasabihin ko, although may konting dagdag kasi parte na talaga ng buhay ko yung taong yon. Di na maaalis yon.
Pareho ata tayo, kailangan ng closure. Kaso maybe its too late for that. Ang tagal na...lumipas na...
Totoo yon, YOU CAN FORGIVE BUT YOU CAN NEVER FORGET. Well, siguro in my case?
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