Clueless: My Revelations: one night stand..

Sunday, June 08, 2008

one night stand..

MOOD: contemplative..
MUSIC: Still - Freestyle

I don’t know why things happen the way they should. I wish I could explain them, but I can’t. I just wish that sometimes, when things happen, I’m not transported back to what used to be. I’m not reminded of a past I’m trying to get over. I’m not forgetting that I’m moving on.

I was watching Sex & The City, and there was this kinda cold, windy episode, wherein the guy Carrie was dating opened his coat, and Carrie snuggled to him, as he enveloped her inside. And that was the same thing a certain someone from the past did to me, back when we were just still friends. And I remembered when I told my friends about that, they all thought that it was nice and romantic, while I shrugged it off as something friendly.

Then I look back at it now. I realize that was the first and last time that had happened to me. In fact, I’ve been in and out of love and relationships, both pseudo and real, yet not one of the guys involved has done the exact same thing to me. I’d like to think that at least, that made them different from one another, proving that I don’t really have a specific type (with that I meant being choosy). But it also made me realize that, I never got to experience again the things that I found surprisingly wonderful and pleasant. Like it was just a one time thing. Some kind of a one night stand.

Like my high school sweetheart for example. He was the only one who spoiled me with gifts and letters and cards. But he wasn’t able to hug me tight yet comfortable the way my certain-someone-from-the-past did, who took care of me when I got sick, and stayed by my side while I was nursing a painful hangover headache. On the other hand, it seemed like I loved god-named special friend the longest. He knew me all too well. He made me crazy thinking about him, running through my mind for years, constantly confusing my heart.

Yet, no one has ever made me stay up late til the wee hours of the morning just talking on the phone, in fact, just staying on the phone all night, like the pseudo-boyfriend I have loved. I never thought that cheesy Tagalog love songs could be so endearing til he sang them to me. But it was with this friend-who-thought-i-was-just-that-for-him that I learned a lot. Be more accepting, open, and free-spirited. I saw how beautiful life is, even if things don’t always go the way you expect them to be.

So okay. I can’t totally say no two same things from two different guys ever happened to me. I’ve exchanged phone calls and text messages with most of them. They’ve all whispered sweet nothings and other romantic stuff to me. I’ve had my share of hugs and kisses with them. We’ve gone places where were holding hands and just having fun. In fact, I learned from each one of them.

There’s just this feeling that all they had in common were the generic stuff relationships were made of. I have enjoyed the letters and the gifts, but they all ended the day my high school sweetheart and I ended as well. After my certain-someone-from-the-past, I still got sick from time to time, but no one was taking care of me anymore.

I have been sane again after I learned to forget all about god-named special friend. There were no more phone calls keeping me up late after pseudo-boyfriend and I were over. My phone had since quieted down. Lessons and realizations have stopped consuming me since I got over my friend-who-thought-i-was-just-that-for-him.

And maybe that’s why I treated every little thing they did to me special. Maybe deep inside, I kinda knew I might never feel and experience all those mushy stuff again. I tried my best and hardest to make the moments last longer, but they were over, sooner than I expected. Maybe that’s why I have this momentary flashbacks that temporarily (mostly, for long periods of time) make me wanna turn time around and bring the things I’ve lost and miss back.

The chances of that, bringing back the past, I mean, ever happening are slim, I know. I guess that’s why I’m forever asking for that someone who would do those things, and I mean all of them, again, for me. Someone who’d remind me how great it feels like to be adored and loved and cared for. Someone who would be more than just a one night stand.

i've been Tin Nolasco at 20:06

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