Clueless: My Revelations: what could be worse..

Monday, November 06, 2006

what could be worse..

MOOD: sentimental mode in full gear..
MUSIC: O - Omarion

*i was reading this entry by Kai. i've already opened her comment box, and was about to type my reactions slash opinions slash sentiments, but my mind was suddenly filled with so much thoughts that i decided to write them down as my own entry. But of course, still in relation to her post.*

I can say i couldn't agree more. If only questions as such can be avoided. But no. If there's one thing that people can really be so interested in, it's one's lovelife, regardless of its status and situation. Not that it's a bad thing. In my case, it doesn't make me wanna wring their necks for asking me or anything, but sometimes, it makes me feel sorry for myself. And you know what makes it even worse? It's when you're surrounded by everyone else who seem to have someone in their life.

In a year, we can have at least one family get-together in every two or three weeks. And not just an ordinary foodfest with my Pa, Ma, lil bro, and big bro and his family. I'm talking about having aunts and uncles and cousins around. Cousins with partners tagging along. If only i can explain how i sometimes dread having to face everybody. Always the same question is directed to me, may boyfriend ka na? And i'd answer, no time for love po eh, with an unsure smile on my face. Of course, that's not the hard part. It's having to explain why, given all the circumstances, making them believe i'm happy with how my life is going on right now, without having to directly admit the inexistence of my lovelife.

And when everyone groups, the cooking mothers in the kitchen, the beer-bellied fathers out in the garden, and the cousins lounging in the living room, sometimes i'd resort to heading to our room and watch TV all by myself or read a book, rather than hang out with them. But of course, i can't always do that. I am forced to be around them. I so loove my cousins. It's just that sometimes, i feel left out. All girl cousins present are married. The guys, if not married, have girlfriends. Then, there's this round of questions of, oh ikaw, kelan ka naman mag-uuwi ng ipapakilala mo sa amin? Then i'd dryly reply, haay, sa dami nila, di ako makapamili, followed by a laugh. Luckily, after a few hirits here and there, a bit of sarcastic remarks and sadistic jokes, and mucho carino brutalism, i'll manage to turn their attention to some other cousin, and i'll just sit back.

Then i think to myself, ganito na lang ba ang papel ko sa tuwing magkakasama kami? Clown? And i guess that's the irony of it. Here i am, making their tummies ache from so much laughing, while i, on the other hand, has no one to make me happy. Not that they *cousins* don't make me happy, or that my family isn't enough to put a smile on my face, or that my friends couldn't give me the same amount of love and joy i'm looking for. They all can, and they do make my life meaningful and liveable. There just comes a point, when the hopeful(hopeless?) romantic in me, seeks for something more.

Everyone says, wag mong antayin, darating din yan. But still, i can't help but wonder kelan? Or if worse comes to worst, darating pa nga kaya? I try to focus on other things, like my studies or internship for example, but when i've got nothing else to do but think, there i go again, analyzing and dissecting my so-called lovelife. Then this unsettling feeling of being a failure in the love department scares the hell out of me.

*i don't know how to properly end this, so i guess i'll leave it hanging for a while.*

i've been Tin Nolasco at 22:52

1 read and shared

at Wed Nov 08, 10:44:00 AM 2006,
Anonymous had this to say

Hmmmm... Hanapin na lang kaya natin yung lovelife mo? Kasi baka naliligaw sya. Marami akong naisip na paraan how. Kaso its up to you parin how do you want to find your lovelife. Wala lang kasi ako sinusubukan ko uling magtake ng risk bahala na kung masaktan at least sinubukan ko. Ang importante kahit papano naging masaya ako. Make yourself happy because you deserve to be... You are a very wonderful person inside out 'nay...