Clueless: My Revelations

Look what i found

2012-02-11T03:06:00.001+08:00

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try it out for yourself

2012-02-10T03:20:00.001+08:00

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i've moved..

2008-11-11T13:08:00.000+08:00

This may be my last post here.

I was able to import every past post to my new blog.

Come & check it out.

It had been great. Really.

the talk/goodbye..

2008-06-29T20:35:00.001+08:00

MOOD: kinda tired..
MUSIC: Love Song - Sara Bareilles

he said he was leaving
she asked him to stay
he told her to forget him
she answered, ‘no way’..

he started to walk away
she followed him just the same
he said there’s nothing left to say
she whispered, ‘say my name’..

he turned and saw her standing there
she looked as if she’s gonna cry
he took a step closer to her
she couldn’t look him in the eye..

he hugged her, before it was too late
she held him close and heard him sigh
he then let her go and turned away
she watched his back and whispered, ‘goodbye’..

*sometimes, all that she needs is a proper goodbye..

これはさようならない。

2008-06-22T21:24:00.003+08:00

MOOD: glad slash sad..
MUSIC: Graduation - Vitamin C

It had been one of the best, at the same time saddest, news I have ever received. Megz and Rose are finally going to Japan . For Megz, I know it was what he wanted for almost all his life, and I’m just so happy it’s finally come true. For Rose, always the achiever, this is the best opportunity for her to fulfill everything she wanted.

After about a month and a half, the news was finally sinking in. I was finally coming into terms that my ‘neighbors’ won’t be my neighbors anymore. For how long, I don’t know. I was getting myself used to idea, when I found out that a third person is leaving too. Kai.

That’s when it hit me. I lost to Japan . Japan single-handedly made me cry. But of course, being the big girl that I am <cue in Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie ü>, I learned to accept the reality. Now, I couldn’t be any happier. My friends are finally following their dreams.

Megz. I know it had been his lifelong dream to step into the Land of the Rising Sun. I’m like a proud mama seeing her son off to college. No more teddy-bear hugs in quite a long while. What used to be a Tokyo Tokyo (or Greenwich or KFC or Jollibee) dinner for two will be just for one. Til our next date. I’m so looking forward to it already.ü

Rose. She’s a step closer to reaching her goals. Our very own Little Miss Independent is spreading her wings wider and is set in proving herself to the world. I’m just filled with so much joy I could cry. God speed, and you take care, okay?ü

Kai. I always knew she’d be heading off to Japan . I just never thought it would be now. I just feel like I haven’t packed in enough memories that will last me til the next time we see each other. But then again, I know there will always be next time. Have I thanked you enough for everything? Thanks ha.ü

This one goes out to three of my closest friends who are embarking in one of their greatest journeys in life yet. Megz, Kai, Rose, this one’s for you:

私はこれがさようなら、ちょうど後で会うないことを知っている。私は運のベストをそこに有することを望む。私はことを知っている。私は確かに逃すが、覚えるために、私の中心で常に保つ。私は愛する。

5ive boyfriend classifications..

2008-06-15T20:16:00.002+08:00

MOOD: wala lang..
MUSIC: *blog midi*

In my parallel world and universe, I have five boyfriend classifications.

The unofficial boyfriend. The not-boyfriend boyfriend. Everybody thinks you’re still too young to get into a relationship, and yet you carry on under the pretense of a close friendship. Why not? The feelings are right. The person is perfect. The love is mutual. It just wasn’t the right time fro the rest of the world.

The peer-pressure boyfriend. Everyone else around you are pairing up. The two of you are the odd men out. In a matter of time, they all think you should hook up. You think to yourself, why not? He likes you. You think he’s nice. Might as well get it all over with and make everybody happy.

The he’s-my-destiny boyfriend. Otherwise known as the we-have-a-lot-of-things-in-common boyfriend. You share a love for music. You both enjoy being around kids. You have the same birthday. He finds you interesting. You think he’s wonderful. You found your hopeless/ful romantic match in him. And there you are, wrapped up in your match-made-in-heaven love story.

The bad-boy boyfriend. He’s everything you ever wanted. Not. He’s the antithesis everyone expects you to end up with. Your friends are wary that you’re loving dangerously. Your parents are disapproving, yet you figure, you’re big enough to know what you want. He brings out the wild, rebel girl in you. you’re both head-over-heels in loved with each other. You think to yourself, this is the most fun you’ve ever had in a relationship.

The pseudo boyfriend. Nope. Entirely different from the first classification. This time, there’s no expressive declarations of commitment. No certainty. No security. Just lots of confusing affection, and love and comfort subject for misinterpretation. A big misrepresentation of a relationship.

But hey, that's just me. What's yours?ü

one night stand..

2008-06-08T20:06:00.000+08:00

MOOD: contemplative..
MUSIC: Still - Freestyle

I don’t know why things happen the way they should. I wish I could explain them, but I can’t. I just wish that sometimes, when things happen, I’m not transported back to what used to be. I’m not reminded of a past I’m trying to get over. I’m not forgetting that I’m moving on.

I was watching Sex & The City, and there was this kinda cold, windy episode, wherein the guy Carrie was dating opened his coat, and Carrie snuggled to him, as he enveloped her inside. And that was the same thing a certain someone from the past did to me, back when we were just still friends. And I remembered when I told my friends about that, they all thought that it was nice and romantic, while I shrugged it off as something friendly.

Then I look back at it now. I realize that was the first and last time that had happened to me. In fact, I’ve been in and out of love and relationships, both pseudo and real, yet not one of the guys involved has done the exact same thing to me. I’d like to think that at least, that made them different from one another, proving that I don’t really have a specific type (with that I meant being choosy). But it also made me realize that, I never got to experience again the things that I found surprisingly wonderful and pleasant. Like it was just a one time thing. Some kind of a one night stand.

Like my high school sweetheart for example. He was the only one who spoiled me with gifts and letters and cards. But he wasn’t able to hug me tight yet comfortable the way my certain-someone-from-the-past did, who took care of me when I got sick, and stayed by my side while I was nursing a painful hangover headache. On the other hand, it seemed like I loved god-named special friend the longest. He knew me all too well. He made me crazy thinking about him, running through my mind for years, constantly confusing my heart.

Yet, no one has ever made me stay up late til the wee hours of the morning just talking on the phone, in fact, just staying on the phone all night, like the pseudo-boyfriend I have loved. I never thought that cheesy Tagalog love songs could be so endearing til he sang them to me. But it was with this friend-who-thought-i-was-just-that-for-him that I learned a lot. Be more accepting, open, and free-spirited. I saw how beautiful life is, even if things don’t always go the way you expect them to be.

So okay. I can’t totally say no two same things from two different guys ever happened to me. I’ve exchanged phone calls and text messages with most of them. They’ve all whispered sweet nothings and other romantic stuff to me. I’ve had my share of hugs and kisses with them. We’ve gone places where were holding hands and just having fun. In fact, I learned from each one of them.

There’s just this feeling that all they had in common were the generic stuff relationships were made of. I have enjoyed the letters and the gifts, but they all ended the day my high school sweetheart and I ended as well. After my certain-someone-from-the-past, I still got sick from time to time, but no one was taking care of me anymore.

I have been sane again after I learned to forget all about god-named special friend. There were no more phone calls keeping me up late after pseudo-boyfriend and I were over. My phone had since quieted down. Lessons and realizations have stopped consuming me since I got over my friend-who-thought-i-was-just-that-for-him.

And maybe that’s why I treated every little thing they did to me special. Maybe deep inside, I kinda knew I might never feel and experience all those mushy stuff again. I tried my best and hardest to make the moments last longer, but they were over, sooner than I expected. Maybe that’s why I have this momentary flashbacks that temporarily (mostly, for long periods of time) make me wanna turn time around and bring the things I’ve lost and miss back.

The chances of that, bringing back the past, I mean, ever happening are slim, I know. I guess that’s why I’m forever asking for that someone who would do those things, and I mean all of them, again, for me. Someone who’d remind me how great it feels like to be adored and loved and cared for. Someone who would be more than just a one night stand.

a clean slate.. here..

2008-06-03T19:27:00.000+08:00

MOOD: good..
MUSIC: *wala*

Nope. I'm staying here. This is home.

I figured, i can't afford setting up a new blog account again. I'll just have to fix my Multiply account up so i could post pictures whenever i feel like it.

So yes. I'm staying.

I just need to come up with decent entries to post here. Soon.

a clean slate..

2008-06-01T20:07:00.005+08:00

MOOD: not in the mood..;)
MUSIC: *yung midi background ng blog ko*

I'm seriously considering starting over. A clean slate.

Talked on the phone for hours with iRish last night.

Highlights? Our lovelives. Actually, the lack of it.

And as usual, several points were made, several truths realized.

And where do these ideas slash theories fit into this entry? I don't know.

I have yet to gather my thoughts, and come up with a decent, coherent post.

Til then, i'm off to another blog-hunt.

a realization..

2008-03-09T21:40:00.003+08:00

MOOD: hmm.. wala lang..
MUSIC: Human - 5ive

I did some thinking a little while ago, and somehow came to a realization. I guess the reason i haven't had another relationship, after a long time, is that, God couldn't lead that someone to me (or me to that someone) yet, is because He doesn't think i'm ready.

I figured, how can i ask Him for a relationship, when i can't handle my family relationships well? I lose my temper quite easily. My younger brother and i get into fights almost everyday. At times, i snap at my parents, and don't even try to hold my tongue back. When i talk to my big brother over the phone, i get impatient and don't even hide it. I play favorites with my pamangkins.

So how can i have a serious relationship when i can't even have a respectful, loving, and harmonious relationship with the people i love, my family? They love me, despite the way i sometimes treat them, but i take their love for granted.

I guess that's where i have to set things right first. My family. Then maybe, the next big thing can finally happen.

starless night..

2008-03-03T23:37:00.002+08:00

MOOD: sleepy..
MUSIC: Big Big World - Emilia

no star that i can wish upon tonight
a cloudy sky is everything in sight
looking far and beyond for a destined love
asking and praying for a sign from above..

hoping for a glimpse of a smile on his face
dreaming of a passionate, sweet warm embrace
craving for a gentle touch, a tender kiss
wishing for endless sunshine and eternal bliss..

searching for a heart that beats only for me
longing for a love that meets more than the eyes could see
waiting for a softly spoken whisper,
an "i love you now, always, and forever!"..

anniversary..

2008-03-02T13:26:00.003+08:00

MOOD: hmm.. okay, i guess..
MUSIC: Leave Me - New Edition

I've gotten over you.
Forgot the feelings i used to have for you.

I did it, when i thought i couldn't.
I got over you, when i said i wouldn't.

Forget you, i really had to.
Get over you, was the right thing to do.

Yes, i was happy when i loved you.
Happy in the short time i had been with you.

The attention you gave had been enough for me.
For the affection you showed, i'd treasure dearly.

I'm thankful that i've gotten to know you.
Grateful that in my life, you've been a part too.

I loved you, even though you never felt it.
I loved you, even though i didn't show it.

I loved you, even though i didn't let you know.
I loved you, but it was time for me to let go.

I loved you, but i'm over you, finally.
Now, everything about you is nothing, but a memory.

*ang sagot sa isang malufhet na ka-dramahan.. hehehe!!*

if you could see me now..

2008-02-20T21:43:00.001+08:00

MOOD: saya..
MUSIC: O - Omarion

an thought from the book If You Could See Me Now by Cecelia Ahern:

When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distact you from the pain.

If there is a noise, it's internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, thrashing, panicking, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that's the thing about love; no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to a salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it's silent, you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it.

now that i'm 20..

2008-02-05T18:51:00.000+08:00

MOOD: happy..
MUSIC: Love You Til The End - Gerard Butler

That's 24, actually. I guess i just don’t want my age displayed up there in big bold letters. Nwei, i came up with a list that i believe i should be and should do, now that I’m 24.

24 I should save up. No more unnecessary big-time spending on food and books.
23 I should be more organized, neat, and orderly with my things. Same goes with my life.
22 I should learn how to cook. Hmm. Rephrase that, cook better. Rice and fried stuff are so stage 1. Time to level up.
21 I should be more patient with my pamangkins and lil bro. No more short-temper, high-pitched voice, and raised eyebrows.
20 I should aim higher for my dreams. As they say, dream big, shoot for the moon.
19 I should be more health-conscious. Watch what i eat, exercise more, sleep earlier, and rest when exhausted.
18 I should not lie about my age anymore. So what if i’m twenty.. four? Hahaha!
17 I should be more sensitive of others’ feelings. Sarcasm doesn’t suit well with everybody. More so with frankness and tactlessness.
16 I should never put off doing things anymore, just because i think i still have time. Princess of Procrastination will just be a title i once had.
15 I should be more careful with the people whom i should give my trust. Not only do they have the ability to build my character and me as a person, but the power to break me as well.
14 I should face life’s challenges with courage and determination. Cross the wide Pres Diosdado Macapagal Ave if i have to. Travel to distant places on my own. Conquer my fear of insects? In due time.Ü
13 I should be more attentive to the needs of my friends. They’re always there when i’m in need, the least i could do is do the same for them.
12 I should reconnect myself with the Lord. Enough said.
11 I should be more thoughtful and caring for my family. When i have none and no one, they’re all i've got.
10 I should always look at the brighter side of life. Trials are meant to make me stronger. Failures are there so i’ll try harder. Experience will make me wiser.
09 I should be aware of the consequences of the actions and decisions that i choose to make. Now and in the future. On that note,
08 I should never regret a thing i say and do. That was what i wanted, i should stick to it.
07 I should be more open to reconciliations, second chances, and starting over.
06 I should not base on first impressions when forming friendships and relationships. Refer to previous thought.
05 I should be a better influence and serve as an inspiration to the people around me, in actions, in words, and in principles.
04 I should never doubt my abilities. How will others believe in me, if i myself don’t trust me?
03 I should be fully aware of my responsibilities, as a daughter, sister, aunt, grandchild, niece, cousin, friend, and officemate. I know they depend on me in some ways, so i should serve my purpose in life.
02 I should live life to the fullest, love like i’ve never loved before.
01 I should be always grateful for all the good things and blessings that come my way. No complaints, just appreciation and contentment.

I really hope i'll be able to stick with this, practice all the items, if not, most of it. Time to grow up. And yeah, happy birthday to me.:D

accidentally in love..

2007-12-19T13:19:00.000+08:00

MOOD: ?in loved?
MUSIC: Clumsy - Fergie

the moment i met you, i knew i'd like you
you're friendly, you're cheerful, you're simple, you're true
though it meant nothing when we were together
given my history, i should've known better..

i started to think more about you
where you are, how you've been, how do you do
i never thought i'd smile this much again
like this is the happiest that i've ever been..

i don't want to think much about what could be
of what i see in you, of what you feel for me
still, i can't help wanting you as more than a friend
i should've known you were an accident, waiting to happen..

finally..

2007-12-16T14:02:00.000+08:00

MOOD: may hangover pa rin from the other night..
MUSIC: The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani

4 months PAL-er. Not bad. I survived, when i thought i won't. I'm fast gaining friends. Tama nga sabi ni Ma-an, lunchmate & former CPC president, bondfest galore sa committee.

Of course, i do miss my college friends. Who won't naman diba? For four years, sila kasa-kasama ko, then all of a sudden, i'm thrown into a community filled with unfamiliar faces. Panibagong adjustment. May hesitations sa pagiging totoo sa sarili, for the fear of being misunderstood, unliked, and judged.

Nakakatawa talaga. Hindi na nawala-wala yung laging first impression of me. Mataray. Suplada. Masungit. Buti na lang, there were those who made an effort to see past of what they first thought of me.

Di ko rin inakala na may makakagaanan agad ako ng loob sa kanila. Yung tipong comfortable ako in their company. Yung hindi ako nagwo-worry na baka ayawan nila yung ako. Masaya lang talaga, kasi there are people i look forward to seeing in the office the next day. I really feel that finally, i belong.

A new life in PAL. A new circle of friends. A new beginning. A new chapter in my life.

*takla talaga.. di na nawala kadramahan ko sa buhay.. hehehe..*

worried sick.. again..

2007-10-16T22:09:00.000+08:00

MOOD: confused..
MUSIC: Bubbly - Colbie Caillat

No. I never meant for this to happen. I'm sick again. & for no apparent reason. I know what this means, but i refuse to acknowledge that. No. Not now. Not just yet. Oh no.

oh well..

2007-03-27T03:32:00.000+08:00

MOOD: pagod na ako..
MUSIC: *silence*

I'm still up. Can't sleep. Buti na lang, walang pasok bukas, i mean, later, dahil kung hindi, pag nakatulog man ako, di na ako magigising for my 8am class.

Less than 2 months to go before graduation. Na-e-excite ako, na kinakabhan. Sobrang looking forward to it, yet dreading it somehow.

I feel like i'm not yet prepared. I don't think i'm even this|close to being ready.

Pahirapan pa. So much to do, so little time. It's hard to cram everything in just a day. Gusto ko ng sumuko.

Physically strained. Mentally exhausted. Emotionally tired. I'm distressed.

Can i just give up now?

non-functioning brain + heavy heart = bad combination.

tagged: weird things..

2007-03-16T21:47:00.000+08:00

MOOD: blah blah blah..
MUSIC: Happy Together - Simple Plan

It's been quite a while since i was last tagged. I don't mind anyway, since i can't think of a decent entry for now. So here goes. Here are the rules:
Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

I LIKE TUTONG. I'd rather eat this, than the regular rice, wag lang exag sa tutong.
I PREFER DOGS TO CATS. What's weird is that, wala kaming aso sa bahay. Puro pusa.
I NAILBITE. At never ko ng naalis ang habit na 'to.
I CAN TALK 500 WPM. An exaggeration, of course, but i can talk really fast.
I LIKE WATCHING INFOMERCIALS. I get amazed with all those wonder thingies.
I STILL SLEEP WITH A BABY PILLOW. Not my baby pillow actually. Baby-sized pillow.
I DAYDREAM. A LOT. When you see me staring off into space, it means i'm in dreamland.
I AM SCARED OF MASCOTS & CLOWNS. Seriously. Scares the hell out of me.
I WAS BORN A LEFTY. Then Pa taught me how to be a rightie. Oh well.
I DON'T LIKE HOSPITALS. Self-explanatory.

Since Kai tagged me, and i can't tag her back, i choose: iRish, Augz, Megz, Bhasti, Jayson, & PeeKay.

*nothing much to share, i guess..*

ouch..

2007-03-09T22:46:00.000+08:00

MOOD: emotionally drained..
MUSIC: What If - Nina

Honestly. It's hard to accept that the person we like, just can't like us back. We justify by saying maybe the other person do like us, but on a different degree. Or even up to the point of convincing ourselves that this person may like us too, but just doesn't want to entertain the feeling for the fear of ruining a good friendship. We even think that maybe they do like us, they just don't know that they do, yet. Simply put, we cushion the blow of outright rejection, hopelessness, and hurt by blinding ourselves from the truth. Truth being, this person just doesn't like us. Ouch.

Accept? We just can't. Why? Coz it f*ckin' hurts. We'd rather bask in wishful fantasy, than live a painful reality.

*substitute like with love, whatever suits you..*

ka-dramahan..

2007-03-02T01:17:00.002+08:00

MOOD: ala lang.. nagdadrama lang..
MUSIC: *wala*

Makakalimutan din kita.
Makakalimutan ko ring minahal kita.

Kahit mahirap, pipilitin ko.
Kahit masakit, kakayanin ko.

Kakalimutan kita, di dahil di na kita mahal, pero dahil yun ang nararapat.
Di dahil mali, pero dahil yun ang mas tama.

Masaya din naman ako na minahal kita.
Masaya, na kahit sa maikling panahon, nakasama kita.

Sapat na ang mga atensyong ibinuhos mo sa akin.
Tama na rin ang mga pagpapahalagang naipadama mo sa akin.

Malaki ang pasasalamat kong nakilala kita.
Natutuwa ako, dahil sa buhay ko, naging bahagi ka.

Mahal kita, kahit di mo nararamdaman.
Mahal kita, kahit di mo nalalaman.

Mahal kita, kahit di ko masabi syo.
Mahal kita, pero kelangan ko ng lumayo.

Mahal kita, pero kakalimutan na kita.
Mananatili ka na lamang sa aking alaala.

*hahaha!! andrama ko!! wala lang 'to.. wag masyado magpaniwala..:D*

valentine's: just another day..

2007-02-15T00:34:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sleepy..
MUSIC: If I Could - Will Downing

Valentine's Day came and went. And nothing much happened, really. Got greeted by friends. Got a heart-shaped mini pillow-in-a-stick, and a couple of chocolates. Not bad. And a leaf, too,. At least, i got to spend it with my friends *Kai would have also been in the picture had she not left early*. Just a bit sad, spending V-Day for the 5th time in a row, single-ly. Oh well. Who knows what next year would bring? Just have to wait 364(?) days.:D

a year ago..

2007-02-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sleepy.. real sleepy..
MUSIC: Fall For You - Shanice

Well. It has been a year since it happened. And as i'm writing this, it doesn't mean i'm still hang up on the past. I'm not. I've moved on. I'm okay now. In fact, i have this grin on my face, that is neither sarcastic nor fake. Why? Let me put it this way, all along, i was kinda wrong with what i thought about us *me & the not-so-distant past*.

I never claimed na naging kami. All i know is that, we had a mutual understanding. But apparently, naging kami pala. A couple of nights ago, we talked, i mean YM-ed, and he confirmed, from Oct 30 to that fateful night. At syempre, nagulat ako sa nalaman ako. E bakit naman kasi hindi, eh after telling me before that he wasn't ready to have a girlfriend yet, and that having a relationship was the least of his priorities, he considered me pala as his first girlfriend, and in his terms, we did have a relationship. Nakakatawa at nakakatuwa lang na isiping, di rin naman pala niya binalewala whatever we shared in those three short months.

Aminado rin naman siyang he had his faults, and that he really didn't deserve my love. He asked how i have been since then, and i assured him i'm okay now. I've moved on, and that i harbor no hatred or anger towards him. We agreed we can actually be friends, again, after all.

I once said that i need closure, before i can move on. Yet, i was still able to move on. But now, i can finally say, i have the closure i needed. Thanks to him.

happy birthday, me..:D

2007-02-05T23:26:00.000+08:00

MOOD: (",)
MUSIC: Araw Mo - Nina

And i turned a year older, again, today. Have i changed? I don't know. I guess i'm just not feeling the full effect, yet. Maybe in a few days.

Happy, coz most of my really good friends remembered me. Sad, coz i'm reminded, i'm not getting any younger anymore.

I have wishes for myself, and for the people i love around me, of course. Happiness and good health for always. Continuous blessings and guidance from above. Lots of love, and a good, long life to live.:D

what's up?..

2007-01-30T22:23:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored..
MUSIC: Call On Me - Janet Jackson feat Nelly

Month's almost over. Term's almost halfway through midterms. Schedules are packed. Subjects have got these loads of requirements, and that's just two week into the term. Still coping somehow.
...
The whole gang's been a bunch of camwhores lately. New picz almost everyday on our Friendster accounts. Changes too. Also, all's looking forward to graduation. Will be missing each other so much.
...
Been thinking quite a lot about plans after graduation. Deciding between taking up Radix' offer, and trying out other companies. I have a lot of options. Kinda scary, but still exciting. To be out there, in the big world, on my own.
...
There's so much going on in the family. Issues. God watch over us.
...
Less than a week to go, and i'll be a year older. Kinda looking forward to it. All i wish for is good health and happiness, not just for me, but for all the people i love around me. God bless us all.

just a thought..

2007-01-02T22:02:00.000+08:00

MOOD: just thinking..
MUSIC: America - Razorlight

There comes a point in your life, when someone begins to fill the void in your heart. For quite some time, you have felt empty, and now that someone has begun to genuinely show you affection, and pay you attention, everything suddenly feels foreign, as if you're experiencing it all for the first time. You don't know how to treat the situation. A confusing distraction? Or a welcome interruption? But any way that you see it, the feeling bothers you, at the same time, puts a smile on your face.

what 2006 saw me through..

2006-12-31T14:33:00.000+08:00

MOOD: reminiscent..
MUSIC: Why Her - Monica

2006 is nearly over, and yet i'm looking back on the year that has been. So much has happened, some good, some bad. But somehow, i survived it. And i'm still whole. Nwei, let me take you back on what i've been through.

Early this year, i (we) renewed friendship with Kai, with whom we kinda kad a rift with late last year. And as i made bonds stronger with her and the rest of the Hinayupackz, i had my heart broken, and in the process finding myself the subject of hate, by a group of girls i've somehow pissed, also late last year.

Brokenhearted, yet i was able to move on. I got over the relationship, and started over. Love was temporarily set aside, as internship saw me grow more as a student, and a soon-to-be young professional. I had my fair share of dealing with big bosses, and forming ties with co-employees.

I met new people. I got to know some better. And switching back to my old celfone network got me communicating with old childhood friends, and highschool classmates again. Less time spent with my college friends also meant getting to spend more time with my cousins and brothers.

Old flames re-surfaced. Past emotions were revisited. Some decisions were reconsidered.

2006 also saw me, and my whole family grieve for the loss of a dear relative, at the same time celebrating life and good health for us left behind.

And as the year comes to an end, let me take this opportunity to thank you, my friends, for making my 2006 meaningful and more bearable than i thought it would be. Thanks for being with me through all my laughters and tears. I'm happy sharing with you a wonderful friendship i'd treasure more in the years to come. May 2007 see us through this continuous journey we're taking. 2006 had been a fun ride, i hope 2007 will be a better year for us. I'm now a better person, coz i have friends like you who loved and cared. I'm hoping i had been a blessing to others too, as i certainly hope will be just the same for 2007.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL.

weddings..

2006-12-28T10:18:00.000+08:00

MOOD: lungkut-lungkutan..
MUSIC: *wala.. tahimik eh..*

You know how it feels like to be at someone's wedding? It makes you think of your own wedding someday, wonder who will be part of your entourage, who will officiate, and who's invited or not. But there's one person left faceless in your mind. Who's gonna be there at the altar, waiting for you, watching you as you make your way down the aisle, ready to take you from your father's arms? You run a list of prospects in your head, yet, no one seems to fit in the picture. Then you're suddenly left with a thought, what if there's really no one? What if there won't be a wedding after all? A scary image of you, spending the rest of your life alone, pops into your head. Then tears fill up your eyes, knowing there's more behind them, than just a happily-ever-after love story, playing right in front of you.

just a smile..

2006-12-19T23:15:00.000+08:00

MOOD: eto, mukhang t@nga@ng napapangiti..:D
MUSIC: Last Request - Paul Nutini

Here are some random things that make(made) me laugh/smile lately:

- watching Friends and Desperate Housewives (2 of the few series i have in my hard drive, that i watch every night)

- being declared as "d best tita" by my pamangkins, even after saying i'm masungit behind my back

- having late night snacks and long uninterrupted sleep after (explains why i'm gaining weight :D)

- being welcomed and asked to come again to their home by a close friend's parents

- getting an IBM jacket without me having to do anything

- being told 'ang sweet mo naman', not sarcastically, by someone i just met

- meeting new people, getting in touch again with old friends, and maintaining communication

The year's not over yet. I'd have more reasons to smile then.=)

foolish heart..

2006-12-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

MOOD: wala.. wala lang..
MUSIC: Heaven - John Legend

Can't i just be happy with how i am right now? Why do i keep on wishing for something that i can't have? for something that i'll never have? When will it ever dawn to me that some things aren't just meant for me? It just seems that my mind refuses to think rationally, and that my foolish heart couldn't just give up. It just pains me, that for the nth time, i'm allowing myself to hope for the hopeless, and ask for the impossible, something i've once and again sworn i'd no longer do. But i guess i'm just that foolish to let that happen.

secrets..

2006-12-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sentimental..
MUSIC: Another Sad Love Song - Tony Braxton

i wish i could see what’s inside your heart
are we getting closer? are we growing apart?
i wanna know if i’m a part of your world
just let me know what our future could hold..

but i know that there will never be an “us”
and that i’ll get hurt again, just like in the past
yet there’s still this part of me that wishes otherwise
dreaming of i love you’s, wanting no goodbyes..

but i guess i’d rather keep these all inside
than risk having you no longer by my side
telling you these things might mean losing you
leaving me with sleepless nights, and tear-stained pillows, too..

maybe this is what i get, falling for a friend
holding on to nothing, being at the losing end
but i allowed this to happen, loving you, i mean
no regret in saying this, i love you, from deep within..

on vacation..

2006-12-03T11:30:00.000+08:00

MOOD: kinda hungry..
MUSIC: *internet shop noise*

I'm on location right now at Sulivan, Baliuag, Bulacan, Irish's hometown. Yup, i'm on vacation. Until tomorrow that is. And contrary to what Fides claims *bored na raw ako*, i'm not. I've met quite a few interesting people here. And will still be meeting some more, later this afternoon.

I've met the men of Irish's dreams na. Hahaha! Kaya ngayon, pag magkukuwento na siya, may mukha na akong mai-a-attach. Na-tameme nga ako eh. Nawala sa sarili. Na-starstruck. Pero, carry lang. La mang dapat na ikahiya eh.:D

Nwei, i'm quite missing somebody. Haaay! Wala lang ito. Gutom na siguro ako. Kung anu-ano na nasasabi ko. Hehehe.:D

life after internship..

2006-11-29T14:19:00.000+08:00

MOOD: melancholic..
MUSIC: Danny's Song

So, okay. I've been a bum now for little over a week, and i can honestly say that i miss going to work. I miss riding the jeep and MRT. I actually miss discussing our project with the big boss. I miss keeping myself busy. I miss earning money.:D

Fine, i admit. I've grown attached to the people i've worked with. It had been hard for me to say my goodbyes to them. If only i could have extended my stay with them, then maybe i would have. I'm even seriously considering taking up their offer, and work for them right after graduation.

After six months and two weeks of working for them, i know i've learned a lot, and i know i'm a better person, as a student, and as a future young professional. Aside from learning how to program, on my own, i realized that there's more i can do and that i'd never stop learning new things.

I discovered i could get my back off of bed early in the morning, and haul my ass off to work at 9 in the morning. I could commute to farther places this time, all by myself. I learned to brave the heat, and was able to force myself to bring along an umbrella when the weather wasn't really good.

I could be level-headed when the situation calls for it, and that, i can really keep sarcasm to myself. I learned to speak my mind in a respectful way, and i was made to realize that i'm not always the boss, i'm not always right, and that i can't always get my way.

I learned that i can do anything if i just set my mind and heart to do it, and actually finish it. I procrastinated and talked less, and worked more. I managed my time well. And i figured out how to deal with bosses without pissing them off and frustrating myself.

I could go on and on about my internship experience, but it will all boil down to the same thing. I miss it, and that i learned a lot from it.

still here, alive..

2006-11-26T19:05:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored..
MUSIC: *internet shop peepz*

It's been over a week since i last used the internet. Since i last checked everyone's blogs and Friendster's profiles. Since i last logged into my email accounts. Since i last felt i was productive. I've got so many things that i wanna talk, err write about, but i can't get my thoughts organized just yet. Maybe in a couple of days. Nwei, that's it for now. Just letting you know i'm still here. Alive. And kicking. And bored out of my wits.

*isa pa, sobrang ingay ng mga people dito sa internet shop, alang kuwenta mag-update..*

saying goodbye..

2006-11-17T19:27:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sad..
MUSIC: Stuck On You - 3T

My internship's officially over. I should be happy. But why was i holding back tears as we bade our colleagues goodbye? Yes, i had complaints. I ranted endlessly to my friends with all the work load. But honestly, i've grown to love what i was doing. I'm drawn closer to the people i worked closely with. There's this part of me that doesn't want to leave anymore. And yet, just when i was growing attached, the time to say farewell just comes sooner than i've expected. Damn it. I hate goodbyes.

say goodbye..

2006-11-14T15:44:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored..
MUSIC: *tahimik ang paligid*

do you know what's left after saying goodbye?
it's a smile on the face, but sad tears in the eyes..

do you know what's left after saying goodbye?
it's pretending to be okay, when it's obviously a lie..

do you know what's left after saying goodbye?
it's wanting to forget, yet you can't even try..

do you know what's left after saying goodbye?
a hurting heart, a broken soul, things that you deny..

do you know what's left after saying goodbye?
an understanding of things, but still asking why..

do you know what's left after saying goodbye?
basically none.. nothing left for you to get by..

*this is actually a poem, from the top of my head.. nothing significant, though..*

parents speak..

2006-11-07T08:48:00.000+08:00

MOOD: good for the day..
MUSIC: *office work buzz*

You know what's funny? It's having to hear my parents say good things about this guy they've no idea means a lot to me. My Pa goes on talking about how good of a person this guy is. Seems to me that they like him. And even without me telling them what i really think of this guy, they approve of him. Looks like i won't have a problem if i bring him home and introduce him to the whole family. Sad thing though, the guy has no idea what i feel for him, and even if he knows, i don't think he'd care. Coz for him, i'm just a friend. Oh well.

what could be worse..

2006-11-06T22:52:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sentimental mode in full gear..
MUSIC: O - Omarion

*i was reading this entry by Kai. i've already opened her comment box, and was about to type my reactions slash opinions slash sentiments, but my mind was suddenly filled with so much thoughts that i decided to write them down as my own entry. But of course, still in relation to her post.*

I can say i couldn't agree more. If only questions as such can be avoided. But no. If there's one thing that people can really be so interested in, it's one's lovelife, regardless of its status and situation. Not that it's a bad thing. In my case, it doesn't make me wanna wring their necks for asking me or anything, but sometimes, it makes me feel sorry for myself. And you know what makes it even worse? It's when you're surrounded by everyone else who seem to have someone in their life.

In a year, we can have at least one family get-together in every two or three weeks. And not just an ordinary foodfest with my Pa, Ma, lil bro, and big bro and his family. I'm talking about having aunts and uncles and cousins around. Cousins with partners tagging along. If only i can explain how i sometimes dread having to face everybody. Always the same question is directed to me, may boyfriend ka na? And i'd answer, no time for love po eh, with an unsure smile on my face. Of course, that's not the hard part. It's having to explain why, given all the circumstances, making them believe i'm happy with how my life is going on right now, without having to directly admit the inexistence of my lovelife.

And when everyone groups, the cooking mothers in the kitchen, the beer-bellied fathers out in the garden, and the cousins lounging in the living room, sometimes i'd resort to heading to our room and watch TV all by myself or read a book, rather than hang out with them. But of course, i can't always do that. I am forced to be around them. I so loove my cousins. It's just that sometimes, i feel left out. All girl cousins present are married. The guys, if not married, have girlfriends. Then, there's this round of questions of, oh ikaw, kelan ka naman mag-uuwi ng ipapakilala mo sa amin? Then i'd dryly reply, haay, sa dami nila, di ako makapamili, followed by a laugh. Luckily, after a few hirits here and there, a bit of sarcastic remarks and sadistic jokes, and mucho carino brutalism, i'll manage to turn their attention to some other cousin, and i'll just sit back.

Then i think to myself, ganito na lang ba ang papel ko sa tuwing magkakasama kami? Clown? And i guess that's the irony of it. Here i am, making their tummies ache from so much laughing, while i, on the other hand, has no one to make me happy. Not that they *cousins* don't make me happy, or that my family isn't enough to put a smile on my face, or that my friends couldn't give me the same amount of love and joy i'm looking for. They all can, and they do make my life meaningful and liveable. There just comes a point, when the hopeful(hopeless?) romantic in me, seeks for something more.

Everyone says, wag mong antayin, darating din yan. But still, i can't help but wonder kelan? Or if worse comes to worst, darating pa nga kaya? I try to focus on other things, like my studies or internship for example, but when i've got nothing else to do but think, there i go again, analyzing and dissecting my so-called lovelife. Then this unsettling feeling of being a failure in the love department scares the hell out of me.

*i don't know how to properly end this, so i guess i'll leave it hanging for a while.*

in celebration?

2006-10-30T23:32:00.000+08:00

MOOD: kinda tired and sleepy..
MUSIC: Like I Do - Blaque

I really had no idea it was a year ago today, until i was reminded of it. Then goes a trip down memory lane. It was okay. I looked back, but i didn't step back. Just reminisced about the good memories left etched in my mind and heart. It may sound ridiculous, but now, thinking of what-might-have-been's and what-if's no longer leave tear streaks down my cheeks. A sad, yet contented smile is left plastered on my face. I really have moved on. I haven't forgotten hm, but the feelings have long been gone. And just because i'm writing about this, doesn't have to mean i'm still living in the past. I've let go. Just allow me to let it all out here *para naman may decent entry uli ako diba?!:D*. And contrary to what i've earlier said, i don't think this will be the last time you're reading about this. Considering my previous entry, i might write again some time, of what and how i felt that time, but of course, outside the confines of a once-grieving heart.

But just for fun, happy anniversary. Hahaha.=))

a momentary flashback..

2006-10-29T00:55:00.000+08:00

MOOD: reminiscent..
MUSIC: My Beautiful Woman - Backstreet Boys

1st year, 3rd term. I never even knew him personally, but i said i had a crush on him *sarcastic syempre, kasi hindi agad ma-getz ni Bhasti ba ibang tao ang tinutukoy namin*. Fast forward to eight months later, end of 2nd year, 1st term. Irish said, "Ate Nitz, likeable pala siya". Syempre naman, um-agree na rin ako para wala ng mahabang usapan.

2nd year, 2nd term. He was once again a classmate in an English subject. We got to know him well then, and we were fast becoming friends. Wala pa si Sir noon, i had to get something from my locker, and he accompanied me. E asa kantiyaw mode ata ang mga kaibigan ko. Tinukso kami. Ako, loka, sinakyan ko mga biro nila. HHWWPSSP tuloy kami sa corridor pabalik ng room namin. A few hours later, on the phone, sabi ko kay Irish, "crush ko na ata siya". Note: Friend talaga niya ang gusto ko, e ang kaso i gave it up for someone else. Ang labas, second option lang siya. Kaya ikaw, kung binabasa mo 'to (na alam kong oo), wag feeling, at wag masyado lumaki ang ulo mo, di ka na kasya niyan sa pinto paglabas mo.

At sa mga panahong ito naging memorable sa akin ang Magallanes. After ng class, ang ultimate foursome (me, Irish, siya, and friend) ay madalas makikitang nilalakad ang kahabaan ng Magallanes, mula school hanggang EDSA, where we would all wait for an Express jeep, so we could all get to Bicutan faster. At kung may oras pa, we'd have our siomai-siopao (or Pao-tsin dumplings) dinner at SM Bicutan food court. Kasunod pa ang isang mahaba-habang kuwentuhan.

Siya na marahil ang naging dahilan kung bakit napadalas ang pag-uwi ko ng gabi na. And ang reason kung bakit nakakarating pa ako ng Sucat sa pag-uwi. Kung bakit minsan, napagseselosan si Irish ng wala namang basehan at dahilan. Kung bakit nag-sign up ako for a Blogspot account. Kung bakit, sa tuwing naririnig ko ang kanta ni Sandara Park na Walang Sabit, napapangiti ako't napapasayaw.

But just like the opposite of the song, may sabit na siya. 5 looong years on his record, can you beat that? And i guess that's why it never really got to a point that i've totally fallen for him. Yes, i was falling, but i guess i was able to keep myself from falling harder and deeper in loved with him. I knew i was in for a heartache, and i couldn't afford it at that time. I knocked some sense into my head, and figured things out, before it got too late. Before my emotions got out of hand. Before my actions got beyond my control.

And i guess it was a good move on my part, getting over whatever feelings for him i had harbored within. I learned to see him differently, and i tried to maintain a close platonic friendship. And it had helped. I became more at ease around him. I slowly revealed more of myself to him, and him to me too. I felt a whole lot more comfortable being near him, linking my arms with his, and giving him occasional hugs and pecks on the cheek *without malice, of course*, at the same time, reminding myself that he's now JUST a friend to me.

In fact, i now consider him one of my bestfriends. He's like a life-line i can run to whenever something's bothering me, and same goes with him to me. He's just one of the few guys that i allow to see the really abnormal side of me, and not feeling afraid of being misjudged and unloved. Whatever and whoever i am, i know he loves me for being me. And for the friendship? It's the one thing that i am most grateful for.:)

a chance encounter..

2006-10-27T18:57:00.000+08:00

MOOD: mesmerized
MUSIC: *highway traffic*

I'm still reeling at the fact that i'm seated across Bam (of PBB fame, a second close encounter) on the shuttle service i usually take going home, when in comes this guy, squeezing himself between Bam and a grade-school kid with eyeglasses. He bumped my knee, so i looked up. Initial reaction: ambastos, di man lang magsorry.
...
A second look at him and i notice how he has a striking resemblance to someone i know. Yun bang tipong 'now i know how he looks like with a cap on'. Ganon. First thing that got my attention, of course, are his eyes. Takla. Kung di lang siguro siya complete stranger, i would stare unabashedly at him. His profile undoubtedly showed how good-looking he really is.
...
Siyeet! Nahuli ata niya akong nakatingin. Pano ba naman kasi akong hindi tititig, e may itsura talaga ang mokong. For once, na-wish ko tuloy na sana traffic, para mapagsawaan ko muna ng husto ang mukha niya. And, take note, pareho kaming nakaitim *tama ba namang pati mga suot namin pagdiskitahan ko pa!? hahaha*.
...
Ayos. May build-up ng mga kotse sa toll-gate ng skyway, kahit pa e-pass ang van na sinasakyan namin. At least, i can ogle over him a bit longer. I can feast my eyes on him. Na-conscious naman ata, tingin ng tingin sa highway. Hahaha! Na-feel ata ang intensity ng mga titig ko. Kung may powers nga lang siguro talaga ang mga tingin, kanina pa siya tunaw sa kinauupuan niya.
...
Naman. Kung kelan nag-eenjoy pa ako, saka pa natapos ang trip namin. Makasabay ko kaya uli 'to next time? Haaay! Wish ko, diba? Sus. Asa pa ako. Hehehe.

*since no PC was available, and i don't own a laptop where i could easily document everything that happens to me anytime, anywhere, this entry is pre-entered on my phone (something i usually do), sent to myself, and posted 54 minutes later*

no more getting back..

2006-10-25T00:24:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sleepy..
MUSIC: Goodbye - Spice Girls

Here's a poem that i've written way back in 2003. I even had it posted in praning.com. Just wanna share, coz i know somehow, you can relate to it. If not now, maybe some time ago.

you once said you really loved me
but it's not what i felt, it's not what you showed me
i'm the only one you love, you say
but i guess not, those were just games you play..

for many times i've said I LOVE YOU
ME TOO, you said, but were those true?
i stopped to think, things ran through my mind
maybe to all these, i have been so blind..

you always go and leave me behind
then you come back and tell me, PLEASE UNDERSTAND
you always say you need your space
but you also want to feel my embrace..

but here you go again, saying LET'S TRY ONCE MORE
telling me you need me, and that you love me even more
but as much as want to give us another try
i'm not sure if i still love you, so i'm saying goodbye..

*I still can't remember why i wrote this. Really can't.*

the break-up..

2006-10-24T19:54:00.000+08:00

MOOD: muni-muni mode..
MUSIC: Is It Worth It? - Allison Moorer

Just finished watching it. After seeing one episode of Friends, i've been a Jennifer Aniston fan since. Nwei, after seeing the movie, i realized how much of the movie reflected reality. Yeah, it's fictitious and all, but somehow, every situation and every dialogue was exactly how it happens in real life. If not, every line spoken was probably what every couple would have wanted to have said themselves. It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love! Searched about reviews of the movie in the internet, and the movie kinda got bad reviews. But hey, i was pretty satisfied with the movie. The ending just kinda left me, you know, wondering why it ended that way. Oh well.

the bus stop..

2006-10-20T00:49:00.000+08:00

MOOD: kinda sleepy..
MUSIC: Panaginip - Crazy As* Pinoy

I'm about to log off and pack myself in, when my cousin forwarded me this text message. It's just so cute, that i couldn't pass up posting it here *and since i haven't got a more decent entry in mind*. Read on.

A situational question asked to a couple of hundred applicants: You are driving along, on a stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, where you see three people waiting. One, an elderly woman who's about to die. Two, an old friend who once saved your life. Three, the perfect mate you've been dreaming about. Who would you choose, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car?

One applicant was hired, because of this answer: I would give my car keys to my friend, and let that friend take the elderly woman to the hospital. Then i would stay behind and wait for the bus. With the person of my dreams.

Love it. Yeah, i know. Maybe the applicant hiring thingie isn't really part of the question, but nwei, i really thought it was cute.

hello, anyone?!

2006-10-17T22:01:00.000+08:00

MOOD: really f*ck3d up!
MUSIC: Empty - Terri Clark

I'm really pissed off right now. Freakin' mad. Damn it! Anyone out there who's willing to house me in? Even for just a few days? I just wanna cool things down. Cool my head down. Keep me sane, people.

just what i need..

2006-10-10T23:49:00.000+08:00

MOOD: okay, i guess..
MUSIC: Closer To Me - 5ive

I think i need a good cry. Something i haven't done in weeks now. Not that there's anything to cry about. I don't know. Yeah, it may sound insane, but i really think a good cry is what i need. Release all these tension and pressure inside. All these pent-up emotions. Just an outlet of all these emotional turmoil. I just wanna free myself from all these burden. Yup. I definitely need a good cry.

keeping you posted..

2006-10-09T22:10:00.000+08:00

MOOD: okay sa alright..:D
MUSIC: Always - Erasure

No. Nothing really new. I guess i just wanna let you all know i'm still here. I haven't gone on hiatus. It's not that nothing has been happening lately. On the contrary, with the rate things are going, i guess i just can't keep up with updates. Not because the excitement wears off easily, or my happy moments are short-lived. I think there's just no time to take a break and document everything. All's in my mind and heart.

My life right now is like a feel-good movie *with a few hang ups, but good just the same* on fast forward. And maybe that's one reason why i can't seem to pause and write things down. Coz if i did, i'm afraid everything will soon be over, and i don't think i'm quite ready for that. No. Not just yet.

i have let go..

2006-10-04T11:56:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored.. again..
MUSIC: My Love - Justin Timberlake

To let go is not to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It does not leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go is not about winning or losing. It is not about pride, and it is not about how you appear, and it is not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go is not blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and does not leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It is not about giving in or giving up. Letting go is not about loss, and it is not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It is about all that you have, all that you had, and all that ou will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

Based from this that i've read in christianster.com, confirmed. I've let go of what happened in the past. Thank God.

after the storm..

2006-10-02T14:00:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored..
MUSIC: Someday - Nina

And with the title, i meant it literally. Hahaha.

I'm still a little hang up over the long weekend that passed. Kinda bitin nga eh. Tipong just when i was beginning to relax, back to work uli ako.

Thursday morning. I woke up coz it was raining hard outside, and i could see the trees outside swaying side to side. I honestly had no idea that there was a typhoon. Actually, i had, but i didn't think much of it. All there was in my mind was ang sarap pang matulog, di na ako papasok. I texted Arjay that i might not go to work. Malakas ang ulan, at baha. Siya na rin mismo nagsabi na wag na kaming pumasok. Little did i know that, it was actually going to happen later that day. 10 am, the power went out. By noon, it was like dusk already, since the skies were dark, and the rain poured hard. News (courtesy of our battery-powered am/fm radio) flashed that typhoon Milenyo *not Manilenyo, as what someone said, hahaha* will hit the area at 2pm. 2pm came, me and my brothers were outside, under the rain, goofing off. Ang saya diba? Hahaha.:D Then an hour later, biglang tapos na. Okay na yung panahon. Mahangin pa rin, pero di na masyadong malakas. May ulan pa, pero ambon-ambon na lang. We strolled around the village, and saw the devastation. Fallen trees. Lamp posts 45-70 degrees from the ground. Yung gate nga nung Bumbay na kapitbahay namin, bumagsak. Pagtingala namin ng bahay, kulang na yung antenna namin *na nilipad pala papuntang bubong ng kapitbahay namin*. And worst, walang kuryente.

Friday came. Exact opposite ng nagdaang araw. Umaaraw at mainit. At wala pa ring kuryente. Wala na rin sana akong balak pumasok sa work, kaso sabi ni Arjay pasok na lang kami, dahil baka pauwiin din kami pag ala pang power. E di kahit, i was cruising the crimson wave, i got ready for work. Only to be met by a non-moving traffic an hour later along EDSA *may mg billboards kasing bumagsak at nagkalat ang iba pang debris sa highway*. Naisip namin, magtext na lang sa IP namin na di kami papasok. At dahil wala ngang kuryente, at lowbatt si Arjay, we went to school *halos makalbo rin yung mga puno sa parking lot sa dami ng dahong nagkalat sa lupa*, headed for the CPO, and asked Miss Eloi kung pwedeng maki-charge ng phone. Moments later, dumating na rin si Miss Jona. At yun, bonding galore kami til lunch. Got home afterwards, and found out, la pa ring electricity. Ang tanging lifeline, ang telepono. Hehehe.

By Saturday, bored to death na ako. Ubos na battery ng mp3 player ko. Natapos ko na lahat ng Tagalog pocketbooks na nahiram ko. Tatlong araw na rin ata akong walang matinong inom ng malamig na tubig. So, what i did was, inaya ko si Ate Joan (teacher/border sa bahay) kung gusto niya manood ng movie. She said yes, since bagot na rin siya. Ton tagged along. We saw Zoom. Pag uwi namin, expected ko na. Wala pa rin kuryente. Haaay! Mahabang, maalinsangang gabi na naman.

Sunday 7 am. I woke up feeling cool air brushing against my legs. I opened my eyes, and saw the fan *which i switched on the night before hoping na bumalik ang power by midnight* na umaandar. Haaay! Sa wakas. Of course, bangon agad ako, bukas ng TV at nood maghapon. Charge na rin ng phone, sabay text kay Irish na may kuryente na kami. Note: Andaya kasi eh, sa kanila, Friday pa lang, may kuryente na sila.

Also, the day provided a family bonding moment for the whole family. Wala pa rin kasing kuryente kina Kuya, kahit na sa kabilang kanto lang namin sila nakatira *may malaki kasing poste ng kuryente na natumba sa malapit sa kanila*. We had lunch and dinner at our place. And things didn't end there. Kuya's family stayed the night. Inayos agad namin ang sleeping arrangements namin. Kuya nd Hipag slept on my bed. Ma and Jazmin *niece* slept on Ton's bed. Pa and CJ *nephew* slept in my parents' room. Me and Ton slept on Lola's.

It was more of a fun than a boring weekend for me. Too bad, i just can't extend it. Haaay!

d tHĩngŻ ĩ do wėn ĩM ?ĩnLüv..

2006-09-22T19:42:00.000+08:00

MOOD: reminiscent..
MUSIC: Pag-Ibig - Kitchie Nadal

As much as i wanna blah blah blah about our family night out last Wednesday night *Ma's 57th birthday celebration*, after reading, for the nth time, my blog *past & present*, Irish', and Kai's, i was inspired to write about how i am, when ?in loved.:D

I took up a subject again, after it has been given credit already. Biro mo. Transferee ako sa school. May mga subjects ng credited from the former school. Tapos Divine was enrolled in the subject. Hala sige. Take two ako, kahit di naman bagsak. Hehehe.

I took a longer route going home. I live in Bicutan, he lives in Sucat *both in Paranaque*. Pero ang gawain ko, sasabay ako hanggang Sucat. Tipong, longer quality time. Di naman ako masyadong mapapalayo. Ang kaso, pagsakay namin ng jeep, unang stopover, Bicutan, bago Sucat. Pwede naman akong dun na lang bumaba. Parehong trike na lang naman ang last ride ko eh. Tsk tsk tsk.:D

I braved the heat to buy grad gift. Eto yun eh. Summer na nun, as in scorching hot ang panahon. Tapos, graduation rites na nina JJ later that afternoon. Wala pa akong gift. Ang ginawa ko, kinaladkad ko bestfriend ko. Habang angkas ako ng bisikleta niya, inikot namin ang bayan, para makakita ng maireregalo. A couple of times, nakasalubong pa namin siya, naka-scooter, pero siyempre, para di kami mapansin, lusot-lusot na lang kami sa mga eskinita. Haaay. Kaloka. 30 minutes bago mag-12, nakakita rin ako ng matinong white shirt for him.:)

I'm sick and i don't mind. As long as i get to see him. As long as i can be with him. As long as i can make him happy. Haaay. Backseat talaga ang health ko, when i get hit by the love bug. Hehehe.:D

I got jealous over some of my friends. E pano naman kasi, mas malaki at ang naibigay na atensyon sa kanila, kesa sa akin. Tapos, looking back, maiisip ko, ang babaw at walang basehan yung pagseselos ko. Added to that, wala naman akong right in the first place.

I actually enjoyed metal music. Nagpa-burn pa nga ako sa ng CD eh, puro metal. In fairness, na-appreciate ko yung music *kung music ngang matatawag*, kahit pa sabihing for a limited period lang. I actually enjoyed I Miss You Love (Silverchair) and Remedy (Abandoned Pools).

I came to love OPM songs. I actually have a playlist na puro OPM lang. May naging favorite nga ako for some time eh. Feeling ko kasi, theme song ko. Napapailing na lang friends ko sa choice of music ko. Wala na akong paki that time. Kanya-kanyang trip lang. Hehehe.

I got drunk over them. On different occasions naman, hindi isang bagsakan ang pagpapakalango. And the drinking session all happened because i was broken-hearted. Sobrang nasaktan din naman kasi ako, and although i've often said na di nasasagot ng pag-inom ang problema't sakit na dinadala ko, ayun. Go ako sa paglagok ng kung ano. Only to realize a few hours later, mas grabe pa yung sakit ng ulo ko after, dahil sa hangover.:D

I was able to write several poems. May progression nga eh. Basta, i wrote what i felt that time. Kung hindi man sa blog entries, sa tula ko rin nailalabas yung mga kinikimkim kong damdamin. Poetic ang lola mo pag inlababo.:)

I offered to write essays and papers and projects and all. Anything for love, ika nga. Kahit magkanda-duling duling na ako sa dami ng words. O kaya magkanda-puyat puyat na ako para lang makatapos ng isang matinong paragraph, okay lang. Kahit nauubusan na rin ako ng English na pwedeng magamit, sige pa rin. Para lang sa taong mahal ko. Haaay! Life. Para talagang buhay.

I set up blog account. Kasi nga naman, di ko masabi ng harap-harapan sa taong mahal ko kung ano tunay kong nararamdaman, lahat idinaan ko sa blog. Yung saya. Sakit. Yung pagkalito, pagkabigo, at kung ano pang anek-anek na kaakibat ng pagmamahal. Lahat. *tapos, after six months or so, bigla akong magre-reminisce, matatawa na lang ako* Ang drama naman kasi pala ng lovelife ko. Hahaha.

So there. Nagkakaganyan ako pag inLove. Kung ano ano ang nagagawa. Yung iba, kinda s2peed na. Yung iba, silly. Tapos ngayon, habang iniisa-isa ko itong mga ito, natatawa nga ako sa sarili ko eh. Tipong, "ganito pala ako.." ang dating sa akin. Hahaha. 48 million years nga, bago ko matapos ito, kasi, sa tuwing may maiisip ako, reminisce muna, bago type. Ewan ko rin kung buo nga ba 'to. Kung may nakalimutan man ako, remind me. Hehehe. Leave a comment na lang.

of dizzy spells and headaches..

2006-09-19T10:42:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sick..
MUSIC: none..

I didn't go to work today. I'm not feeling really well. It's been like this for almost two weeks now. I have dizzy spells in the morning, then a headache in the afternoon. Today, i woke up feeling dizzy, and a throbbing pain in my head. I can't even stand and walk well since my legs hurt *got history of rheumatic fever kasi, legs are my indication that i'm getting sick or something*. I badly need some rest.

But for some reason, i have to get out of the house, find the nearest open internet shop *so glad i found one*, and go online. Haaay naku! Kung di lang ano, di ko gagawin ito.

Happy thoughts. Just happy thoughts.

all locked up..

2006-09-13T13:53:00.000+08:00

MOOD: feeling sick..
MUSIC: *none for the moment*

Bottled up emotions. Locked up feelings. Hidden desires. Unspoken love. Sometimes, these are the hardest things to keep, not because you've got no one to share them with, but because even if you tell it to everyone, that one person, with whom these things are all about, would just take everything in stride, sometimes, even without a care. Rather than going on, telling everybody about these, i'd choose to keep them to myself, until finally, they will be all that matters to that person. Maybe.

keeping to myself..

2006-09-09T01:42:00.000+08:00

MOOD: still up.. can't sleep..
MUSIC: Maria - Santana

Sometimes, just when i have the luxury of sleep, i seem to unconsciously let the chance slip away, and stay up late. It’s either i’m up reading a good book, or i’m just staring off into the darkness of our room, thinking. And now, to avoid doing the latter, which usually ends in a tear-stained pillow in the morning, i sit here in front of my PC and decide to write about things instead.

I won’t go into details, so as not to burden anyone with my problems. I just wanna talk, or in this case, write freely. There’s so much that i wanna share, but then again, there’s this feeling of not wanting to explain myself to others anymore. Not that i’m tired or anything. There just comes a point when you realize as to what extent you should reveal yourself to others. And yes, there’s also this fear of being misunderstood. That, and having your say fall on deaf ears.

All my life, i’ve felt like i’ve been so transparent. My friends, and others as well, could see right through me. It’s as if, they could read me like a book. My mood swings, my sarcastic comments, my deadpan statements, my not-so-subtle hints, my dry humor. I’ve been under the ever watchful eyes of people surrounding me for so long, that i’ve always felt the need to please them, and explain myself to everyone else. I have shared so much of my life with others that it seemed i’ve got nothing more left to keep to myself. That in itself is something that i’m trying hard to redeem.

But keeping things from others *read: not sharing much of what i feel deep inside* has its own price. Often, people just make up their opinion of me. They believe what they wanna believe, coz they feel that’s how i feel. Unless i speak up and make a correction, i am already deliberated. Me shutting up and not commenting about it only reaffirms others of their assumptions. Me explaining otherwise makes me defensive. It’s like i’m on trial, with a no-win situation.

But of course, not everyone fall into that category. There are still those who know me, the real me. Those who, even in absence, can realize what i’m trying to say. Those who love and respect me well enough to understand my need to keep some things to myself, my desire to keep secrets. Those are my friends.

some points to ponder..

2006-09-07T23:18:00.000+08:00

MOOD: eto, still thinking..
MUSIC: Til the End of Time - Westlife

Lately, i'm really loving my intellectual conversations with Irish *at talagang mukhang sikat ang jANAKis ko lately sa mga blog entries ko ah, hahaha!*. Be it over the telephone, or text messaging, or YM-ing, we analyze, as we put it, our situations. Andami pwedeng pag-usapan, pero ang madalas naming i-dissect, ang lovelife namin. Yup, meron kami nun. Magulo man, makulay naman. And after a series of seemingly endless kuwentuhans, often i'm left with a lots of things to ponder.

Being somebody who’s different from what the society’s used to, doesn’t make you less of a person. Bakit? E sa ganyan ka eh. Wala na silang magagawa dun. People say be true to yourself, pero pag nagpakatotoo ka naman, andami pa rin nilang questions. So san ka pa di ba? Di mo na tuloy alam kung san ka nga lulugar. So what i say is, be true. Others may not understand it. Others may question you. But still, you’re right, simply by choosing to be the real you.

We don’t love a wrong person. We just love, at a wrong time. Hindi naman kasi ata magandang isiping laging maling tao na lang ang minamahal natin. It reflects very badly of us. I guess it’s better to say it was just the wrong time. Or the wrong reason. Or the wrong place. We can blame everything else, but never the person. Wala naman siyang ginawa eh. Minahal lang natin sila.

Just because the one we chose to love doesn’t love us back, we can’t go on loving that person. Love is given freely by that one person that loves, and if that someone chose to give love, but for some reason, not to you, it doesn’t mean we can’t give the same amount of love that we’re capable of giving. If we expect our love to be always reciprocated, it’s like saying i love you, love me too. Love shouldn’t be demanded.

Tears shouldn’t always be an indication that you’re hurt. Not crying doesn’t have to mean i’m not hurting. Tears nowadays can be so deceiving, cried out just to have sympathetic people turn their attention to you, used as a means of getting what you want. So what i’m trying to say is that, not because i don’t cry anymore, I’m not harboring any pain inside. I am.

You don’t get over pain. You just learn to deal and live with it through time. So goes a text message i’ve received, not once or twice, but many times already. But only lately did i realize how true it was. Para bang, the pain grows on you, more often, making you numb already. Yung tipong, mas manibago ka kung hindi ka na nasaktan. Hindi naman sa hinahanap-hanap mo na yung sakit. More of like, you are used to it na, and that you’ve somehow accepted that love and pain are a package deal.

Ewan ko. Sa dami ng na-tackle naming topics, parang hindi enough ang isang blog entry para sa lahat ng yun. To follow na lang yung iba. Kai, kelan naman kaya ikaw ang makakadiskusyon ko neto? Haaay. Miss you all.

to forgive and forget?

2006-09-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sleepy na.. i just need to post this..
MUSIC: Pag-Ibig - Kitchie Nadal

A few hours ago, Irish texted me to say she now knows why we can forgive, but can't forget *in relation to my previous post*.

Na-forgive na natin sila *meaning, the past*, pero di natin ma-forget, or ayaw nating i-forget, kasi kapag kinalimutan natin yung mga ginawa nila, magugustuhan uli natin sila. Yung mga ginawa nila ang nagiging dahilan para di na natin sila balikan. Yung mga ginawa nilang pananakit ang nagsisilbing wall na nakapagitan sa atin at sa kanila.

Not exactly her words, but that's what she meant. I know, tama siya.

okay ako, promise..:D

2006-09-06T13:42:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sleepy.. puyat kagabi..
MUSIC: Cruel To Be Kind - Letters to Cleo

At talagang naunahan na niya ako sa pagpost neto. A little more than two hours lang naman kami nag-usap sa phone last night. Ang dapat, may ikukuwento lang sana akong nakakatuwa kay Irish, e ang kaso, napahaba ang usapan. Andaming topic na napasok sa conversation namin. Di na namin namalayan, pasado alas-dose na ng magpaalaman kami.

So yun na nga, 75% na ata ng conversation namin, eto ang sumakop. Umikot ikot na ang usapan. And it seemed to boil down to one thing, you can't forgive when you can't forget. At least, that was what i thought.

Hindi ko rin tuloy malaman kung kanino o kung saan nga ba ako galit. Sa kanya ba, o sa nangyari, o sa mga dapat pero di nangyari? Ewan. Naisip ko tuloy, mas lalo ko lang ginulo sarili ko. Sabi nga namin ni Irish, heto na naman kami sa pag-aanalyze ng mga bagay bagay. Yun nga lang, mas nakaka-confuse.

Natanong ko tuloy, kelangan ba talagang connected ang letting go at moving on? Necessary ba ang pag-forget para masabi mong you were able to forgive? What do i have to do to prove i am really okay? Or that i have moved on and let go? Minsan tuloy, i wanna think love is a simple thing, made complicated with these impossible questions about it. Haaay! Life talaga.

sarcastic daw?!

2006-09-05T10:17:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored..
MUSIC: *aircon buzz*

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitude, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

a bitter BETTER person..

2006-09-01T22:43:00.000+08:00

MOOD: *anxiety attack*
MUSIC: Half crazy - Freestyle

Confirmed. Bitter pa nga rin ata ako. No. Hindi ata. Bitter pa nga rin ako. I started to realize this when Augz joked na baka sa intern company ko din siya *that someone from the recent past* mag-intern, and i seriously answered Augz na, mag-intern na siya anywhere, wag lang same as mine. Sagot niya, nagkakaganun ako, kasi bitter ako. Of course by that time i denied it, saying i am not, and that i am okay.

Then, just this morning, ewan ko kung pano kami napunta sa topic na yun ni Irish, pero usapang bitterness uli kami. This time, i told her that lately, i've realized na, bitter pa nga rin siguro ako. But i made it clear na i'm bitter, not because i'm still hurt, but because i felt frustrated for not being able to tell him how much he's hurt me. Tipong hindi ko naisumbat sa kanya kung gano niya ako nasaktan sa pambabalewala niya. Yung tipong nakakaasar siya sa di niya pagpapahalaga sa naramdaman ko. The fact that i was on the verge of wanting to really hate him so much then, that all these bitterness come in.

I know i've moved on. I know i'm okay. Happy na ako. Yet, Irish said na baka closure is all i need. That maybe i need to talk to him about what i've felt. Tell him how hard it was to move on, knowing there were things left hanging. Pero what's the point of it pa? I don't think it matters now, talking to him about it, i mean. Para bang for me, it's all too late. I got hurt. I cried. I've forgiven. I've moved on. I'm okay now. But as Irish had said, i've forgiven, but not forgotten. Ewan ko. Baka nga, at the back of my mind, may galit pa. Okay, sama ng loob na lang, since galit is such a strong word.

I guess she's right. I haven't forgotten. I guess that's why i find it hard to at least be even civil with him when we see each other. I'm no longer affected. I don't care about his activities, of his whereabouts, or what he's doing with his life. Nasobrahan nga lang ata ang di ko pagpapa-apekto, dahil kahit konti, parang ayaw ko ng isiping he still has something to do with my life. Para ngang pati friendship, ayaw ko na ring ibalik. But no, i know i'll forget. Not in the near future, but probably eight to ten years from now.

Argh! I thought this would be the last time i'm talking about him here, but i guess not. Ang gusto ko na lang itatak sa isip ko, because of him, i am now a BETTER person, not a BITTER person. Pero bakit parang pareho lang ako? Tuloy, sometimes i think, hundred percent okay nga ba talaga ako? Basta, ang alam ko, i'm more okay than i'm not.

...

An ultimate test of how good of a friend i really am comes up tomorrow. I hope i can handle it.

let it rain on me..

2006-08-25T23:10:00.000+08:00

MOOD: *puhleez, just read the entry*
MUSIC: Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me - Jasmine Trias

Okay. It had been a not-so-good day. Woke up, and i wasn't really surprised when i noticed that tear streaks had dried on my cheeks. Bad *actually, sad* dream. Got ready, and left for work a little earlier than usual. I just have to get out of the house. I didn't wanna hear my Ma crying. Yup, my lil bro made her cry. Again. I wanted to comfort her, but i was worried i might join the sobfest too.

Got to work, where i strained my eyes for like 6 to 7 hours straight, focused on the computer, focused on work. Physically stressed, mentally drained and emotionally vulnerable, that's how i really felt after work.

Then, i got rained on. Nice. What a way to end a perfectly gloomy day. For once, i wanted to stay under the rain, and cry my heart out. Just let the rain wash away all the hurt and pain *gaaah, now i'm back to using these words again.. dammit* i'm feeling inside. I just wanna curl up and sleep, wish that tomorrow is another day, hope that it will be a good one. A better one.

it's the way you make me feel..

2006-08-25T12:44:00.000+08:00

MOOD: haaay.. senti-sentihan..
MUSIC: It's The Way You Make Me Feel - Steps

Baby can't you see
You're the one for me
But you belong to another
I don't wanna hurt nobody
But my heart just can't hold back

Now i know why i love Megz. He always refers to me songs, na feeling niya can-relate ako. Sabi niya, he thought of me when he first heard the song. Sapol nga raw eh, though i have the vaguest idea of what he meant. I have to admit, tama siya at some point, pero hindi sa kabuuan. I downloaded the song almost immediately, and now it's the only song playing on my media player, onRepeat. Though i've heard this song before, i never really bothered looking up the lyrics of it.

Check this out for the complete lyrics of the song. The one i posted above was just part of it. Yan kasi yung medyo may dating eh. Hehehe. I thank Megz for re-introducing the song to me.:D

...

Nagagandahan ako sa YM status ko ngayon:
..the weirdest thing happened this morning.. i woke up with tears in my eyes.. and one rolling down my cheek.. and i knew i must have been dreaming of you again..
Takla kasi naman yung dream ko eh. Azzar. I didn't make this, pero that's exactly how i feel. Idagdag mo pa yung status ni Irish:
Is it possible to be just friends with someone I have these sort of non-moderate feelings for? Or am I doomed forever to just be in love and ultimately significantly hurt?
Takla naman talagang life ito. Haaay! Life, parang buhay. *sigh*

...

I had a totally different entry in mind, pero this one seemed to be the better option, considering how i feel at the moment.

theme songs..

2006-08-22T12:43:00.000+08:00

MOOD: full.. just had lunch..
MUSIC: Lucy - Hanson

I've been listening to this *the LISTENING TO part*, and the other song (which is coincidentally on my playlist right now, on repeat) and it made me think of all the songs that i used to think have a connection to me. Honestly, before, i always believed that some songs, love songs and senti for that matter, are meant for me. I wanted to think they were all written for me and my so-called lovelife.

In the past (and until the present), i've had several theme songs, for me, with my friends, with my past relationships, and with everything that happens with my life. Any song i was singing or listening to when something good happened to me, automatically made it to my theme songs. And until now, whenever i hear any of them, it still puts a smile, sometimes even a goofy grin, on my face. Some of the songs i considered special (those that i can remember at the moment):

When You Say Nothing At All - the Ronan Keating version. JJ, someone from the past, and i had this theme song back in high school. He even had his friend whistle it for me, on the school corridor during one of my classes. Sweet. Aaaww.=)

I'll Be Missing You and Just Like a Pill - Puff Daddy (with the gang) and Pink respectively. Me and my St Paul friends used to go on roadtrips, cruising along the highways, windows open, radio on full volume, and the music blasting. Gaah. I really miss them, you know.

Ready For a Fall and then Ipagpatawad Mo - PJ Olsson and VST & Co. These are songs i sing whenever i'm falling and fall in love. With a friend. I just simply love them. If you'd just listen to the message of the songs, you'll know what i mean.

Stubborn Love. A Christian song that i used to sing for JB, another ex. He liked it when i sang it, so whenever we'd jam then, this song was always part of our sessions.

Honey, My Love, So Sweet and Sana ay Mahalin Mo Pa Rin ako - both by April Boys. Yeah, i know. Cheesy love songs. Tagalog, even. But hey, this is the reason.;)

I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me and later followed by You've Made Me Stronger - perfect heartbreak and moving on song. I can totally relate. And just recently (actually, a little over 3 months ago), this fit my case entirely.

Don't Speak - No Doubt. Oblivion played it on his guitar. I sang it. From then on, this song was onRepeat for several weeks on my playlist.

Good Riddance (Time of your Life) - Greenday. Our high school graduation song. The rest of the class sang it, while 5 of us (me, Sonn, Xanne, Pax, and Cram) played it on our guitars as accompaniment.

Dilemma - Nelly feat Kelly. Another St Paul days favorite. Mitz, one of my roomies then, and i were nursing our broken hearts with this song, after a break-up with our respective boyfriends over the weekend that passed. We had this 3D (Di-lemma, Di-kumakain, Di-pumapasok sa class) moments where we stayed locked up in our room, sulking and crying our hearts out, and after 4 days, decided we're moving on. And we did. How the song played a part in all that. I don't know. We just loved it.:D

Out of Reach and Cool - Gabrielle and Gwen Stefani. I don't know. I guess i just love how the songs make an impact on me. On how i view love and relationships. And on how i still refuse to give up on love, even after everything.

Tell Me where It Hurts. Only recently was this song added to my so-called theme songs. Maybe it's because i love singing this on videoke days. Or because, i like how MYMP sang their version of it. Or because I can relate to it. Or because of other reasons. Lots of them, really.;)

Bitch and Ugly - Meredith Brooks and Sugababes respectively. Perfect girl power type of songs, perfect combination, topping it off with I Will Survive.:D

love, again..

2006-08-21T23:37:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sleepy and still kinda sick..
MUSIC: Love Will Show You Everything

things haven't gone the way i had planned
my feelings, i realize, have gotten out of hand
my emotions have once again taken over me
i'm again facing a battle with my destiny..

love has once again presented itself to me
when i've convinced myself i'm not yet ready
somehow it found its way back to my heart
willing it again for a brand new start..

love opened my eyes, you were in front of me
another person to love was what i was made to see
and despite the hurt and pain i've been through
i now find myself having fallen for you..

a sleepless night..

2006-08-20T02:13:00.000+08:00

MOOD: kinda sleepy, but still up..
MUSIC: Awake - Secondhand Serenade

How can you sleep and dream of someone, when that same person is keeping you up all night? Not only has that person invaded your heart, but also has taken over your thoughts. Another sleepless night. Another tearful realization. Damn. I hate it when i'm sick.

if i were..

2006-08-18T14:49:00.000+08:00

MOOD: aligaga..
MUSIC: Twisted - Keith Sweat

a month, I would be:
-----> February, kasi month sya ng love.. gusto ko, full of love din ako..

a day, of the week I would be:
-----> Friday.. ala lang.. kasi tipong, there's something to look forward to.. the weekend.. and the coming week..

a time of day, I would be:
-----> 9 am.. not too early.. not too late.. tama lang..

a planet, I would be:
-----> earth.. dito lang may buhay eh.. tsaka andito lahat ng mahal ko.. sa buhay..

a sea animal, I would be:
-----> a dolphin.. graceful.. tapos noisy.. hahaha!!

a direction, I would be:
-----> the east.. the sun rises in the east.. i would like to be the dawn..

a sin, I would be:
-----> ah.. this made me think.. uhm..

a liquid, I would be:
-----> water.. importante 'to eh.. i would like to be treated as important din..

a bird, I would be:
-----> an eagle, and soar above the clouds..

a flower, I would be:
-----> Sampaguita.. pure and clean..

a kind of weather, I would be:
-----> sunny.. don't wanna have down spirits eh..

a musical instrument, I would be:
-----> piano.. to play beautiful music to everyone..

an animal, I would be:
-----> a dog.. man's best friend..

a color, I would be:
-----> white.. purity..

an emotion, I would be:
-----> happiness.. don't wanna be sad anymore..

a vegetable, I would be:
-----> ..

a song, I would be:
-----> a love song.. to touch the hearts of those in love..

a place, I would be:
-----> Paris.. the place for hopeless romantics.. like me..

a thing, I would be:
-----> a book.. so that many would learn from me..

a taste, I would be:
-----> sweet.. need i say more??

a word, I would be:
-----> love.. basta.. love na sa love..

a body part, I would be:
-----> heart.. basta.. connected sa love eh..

a subject in school, I would be:
-----> English or Math.. English: most loved (oftentimes).. Math: challenging..

a/an cartoon/anime character, I would rather be:
-----> Bugs Bunny.. para kasing ala syang problema sa buhay eh..

a shape, I would be:
-----> circle.. can't explain.. basta, bilog..

a number, I would be:
-----> 18.. the age (ladies) between being a girl and a woman..

*got this from Friendster*

**uy, Irish, Kai, Bhasti, Megz, Augz, and the rest, sagot lang kayo if you want..**

just to start off..

2006-08-17T08:49:00.000+08:00

MOOD: still kinda sleepy..
MUSIC: Turn It Up - Paris Hilton

10 SONGS YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING TO
- Kokomo (Beach Boys)
- Alive(Frio) *na sabi ni Irish Bamboo raw ang kumanta at Make Me ang title*
- Ugly (Sugababes)
- Out of Reach (Gabrielle)
- Stay (Lisa Loeb)
- Cool (Gwen Stefani)
- 1979 (Smashing Pumpkins)
- Gone Going (Black eyed Peas)
- How Do You Do (Roxette)
- Stars are Blind (Paris Hilton) *love is blind na rin*

09 THINGS YOU LOOK FORWARD TO
- weekend *long weekend kasi*
- end of internship *medyo medyo*
- the holidays
- yung movie nina Sam & Toni, You Are the One *takte, kilig movie again*
- next get-together or outing ng Hinayupackz
- my birthday *several months away pa*
- having a lovelife *sana anytime soon.. hahaha..*
- getting married *pero not in the near future*
- having a family of my own *sobrang tagal pa neto*

08 THINGS YOU LIKE TO WEAR
- anything pa-girl *pagka-minsan*
- comfortable pambahay
- pants *panglakad*
- watch *can't leave the house without it*
- scrunchy *lalo na pag bad hair day*
- flipflops or slip-ons
- glasses *pag di naka-contact*
- caps

07 THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU
- being woken up in the middle of a good dream *i bet, kayo din minsan*
- being rudely interrupted while working *having no music while working rin*
- getting wet even under an umbrella *nagpayong pa ako diba?!*
- walking behind slow-paced people
- standing in a crowd flanked by good-smelling *insert sarcasm* people
- being misinterpreted or judged by others
- not getting what i want *sometimes*

06 EXPRESSIONS YOU SAY MOST DAYS
- ngek!
- toink!
- damn!
- takla.. *sagwa naman kasi kung t_e ang sasabihin ko*
- frack.. *deriviation from f@ck.. got it from Kai ata*
- shoot! *deriviation ng sh!t*
**at talagang in-explain ko pa..:D**

05 THINGS YOU DO EVERYDAY
- sleep and eat *lakas ko dito*
- bath and prepare
- go to work
- surf the net
- text or chat with friends

04 FRIENDS YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR TIME WITH
- iRish
- Arjay
- Dadi
- Bhasti (and the rest of the Hinayupackz.. don't get mad please..:D)

03 MOVIES YOU'D WATCH OVER & OVER AGAIN
- My BestFriend's Wedding *i'd even cry over and over again*
- Clueless
- 10 Things I Hate About You

02 OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT THE MOMENT
- Tell Me Where It Hurts (MYMP) *ah, basta*
- Unfaithful (Rihanna) *type ko yung song, though i'm not like that*

01 PERSON YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH
- siya, syempre.. hehehe:D

*got this from a Friendster bulletin, way way back 2004*

try it out..

2006-08-14T17:23:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored na naman..
MUSIC: My Oh My (Aqua) *midi*

Is someone in LOVE...!?!?! by Dontphunkwithmylove
Name:
Favorite Color:
Is someone in LOVE with you, right now?	Hell NO!
Are you in LOVE, right now?	Yes, you always are..!?!?!
Love Icon

Quiz created with MemeGen!

*Takla. Sige, rub it in.*

miserably peaceful..

2006-08-14T15:19:00.000+08:00

MOOD: tormented and confused..
MUSIC: Immortality (Celine Dion) *midi*

I've been told that whatever decision i make, there should always be peace in my heart. And to choose between what makes me happy, or what is right, i should go for the latter. But why do i still feel confused, try as i might to tell myself i should choose to do what's right? My heart is still troubled, and that i have this unsettling feeling that i'm making my life miserable, more than it already is.

It's the same pattern all over again. Almost. There's no more way of getting out of this mess. How i got myself into this? I don't know. How i'll get out of it? I don't know either. Hirap naman ng choices.

what will you do??

2006-08-11T17:28:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored and sleepy na talaga..
MUSIC: 7th Heaven theme *midi*

1- may lumapit sayo at nagpa-autograph?
> magtatatalon sa tuwa.. pagkamalan daw ba akong ta-artist?!

2- bigla kang hinalikan ng close/bestfriend mong opposite sex?
> hala, sige.. sunggab ang lola mo..:D

3- binigyan ka ng nanay mo ng 100 pesos at sinabing umalis ka na at mabuhay ka na mag-isa?
> sasabihin ko, "No Deal!" sabay ekis ng mga kamay.. hahaha..

4- pinuntahan ka ng crush mo sa bahay niyo bigla?
> siyempre, ayos agad ako di ba?! tapos todo entertain ang drama ko..

5- dinare kang magyosi?
> sige.. dare lang.. di ko naman gagawin eh..

6- nalaman mong 1 month ka nalang pwedeng mabuhay?
> susulitin ko na ang mga overnights ko.. pati gimmicks.. movie trips na rin.. lahat with friends and family..

7- magma-migrate na kayo kaso may syota ka dito na maiiwan?
> paiwan na lang ako.. sabay live-in.. hehehe.. joke!!

8- binackstab ka ng kaibigan mo?
> aba'y, back-stabban na 'to..

9- inalok ka ng ABS CBN para sa isang commercial?
> pwera foot powder and deodorant commercial, ha?? no dishwashing liquid din.. o kaya sabong panlaba..

10- hinabol ka ng aso?
> uunahan ko na.. kakagatin ko.. hehehe..

11- natawagan ka ng isang favorite celebrity mo by accident?
> "accidents happen.. can we meet??" *asa pa ako*

12- magsa-squat nalang daw kayo ng pamilya mo?
> yan.. refer to question #3. Deal na ako..:D

13- may mga issue ka sa school mo?
> kahit saan naman, may issue ako.. okay lang.. make them wonder..

14- sumemplang ka sa harap ng crush mo?
> gugulong-gulong na rin ako, para mas masaya..

15- nagkagusto ka sa crush ng friend mo?
> ngek!! as if mangyayari yun.. magkakaiba naman kami ng taste sa mga crushes namin eh..

*sobrang bored na ako, kaya puro pa-balang na mga sagot ko.. hehehe.. wag niyo na lang seryosohin yung iba.. nwei, got this from Augz's blog nga pala..*

four things about me..

2006-08-11T14:58:00.000+08:00

MOOD: antok na ako..
MUSIC: 90210 theme *midi*

Things you may not have known about me..

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Love Counsel slash Big Sister slash Girlfriend slash BestFriend (san ka pa?! all-in-one)
2. Sunday School Teacher (o di ba?! active ako dati sa church eh.. hehehe..)
3. Responsible Daughter slash Good Sister slash Smart Tita slash Reliable Niece slash Cool Cousin slash Angelic Grandchild (yan, family-oriented eh..)
4. Intern dito sa RadixSys

B) Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. My BestFriend's Wedding (and All Julia Roberts movie)
2. Clueless
3. 10 Things I Hate About You
4. movies ni Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock (together or not)

C) Four places you have lived:
1. Aparri, Cagayan (sa north)
2. College Avenue, Tuguegarao City (St Paul days ko pa)
3. sa house ng big bro ko
4. Remmanville, BLS, Paranaque City

D) Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Friends (kahit nag-end na siya, okay lang ang re-runs)
2. Oprah
3. any CSI series
4. Game Ka Na Ba?

E) Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Pangasinan
2. Batangas
3. Cavite
4. HongKong

F) Websites you visit daily:
1. blogs ni Kai, Irish, Augz, Bhasti, Jayson, at Megz
2. Yahoo mail at APC mail
3. si bespren Google
4. blog ko sympre..

G) Four of my favorite foods: (lately)
1. burger and fries ng McDo
2. chicken strips ng Jolibee
3. fun shots and mashed potato ng KFC
4. pork chao fan ng Chowking

H) Right now I would rather be:
1. with my friends
2. at home, sleeping
3. nakikipagkuwentuhan and making a lot of noise
4. watching The Break-Up or Just My Luck or Click

I) Four friends I think will respond:
---- kahit sino sa kanila.. galing na 'to kay Kai eh, so out na siguro siya.. malamang si Irish next, pag tinopak.. o kaya si Augz..

J) Return Instructions:
---- ei reader, you're free to post this on your blog.. then broadcast you got the post from me.. thanks.. hehehe..:D

in one word..

2006-08-11T09:27:00.000+08:00

MOOD: walang pinagbago sa kahapon..
MUSIC: 1979 - Smashing Pumpkins

I S A N G S A L I T A L A M A N G A N G P U W E D E N G I S A G O T !
H I N D I N A K A I L A N G A N N G P A L I W A N A G.

1. Sarili mo: morena..
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend mo: wala pa..
3. Buhok mo: mahaba..
4. Nanay mo: masipag..
5. Tatay mo: istrikto..
6. Paboritong gamit: relo..
7. Napanaginipan mo kagabi: blangko..
8. Paboritong inumin: ** coke..
9. Pangarap mong bahay: malaki..
10. Social life mo: masaya..
11. Yung ex mo: past..
12. Kinakatakutan mo: rejection..
13. Anong gusto mo para sa birthday mo: kotse..
14. Sino kasama mo ngayon: arjay..
16. Best friend mo: marami..
17. Anong gusto mong gawin ngayon: dumaldal..
18. Huling bagay na ginawa mo: nakipag-chat..
19. Anong suot mo: pantalon..
20. Paborito mong season: summer..
21. Paborito mong libro: marami..
22. Huli mong kinain: wala..
24. Mood mo ngayon: tahimik..
25. Anong iniisip mo ngayon: sitwasyon..

*I got this from Irish' blog. Parang nauuso ang pagsagot ng mga Friendster bulletin sa blog eh, kaya for today, yan ang menu ko. Pakasawa kayo, and ako. Hehehe.:D*

just a continuation..

2006-08-10T15:46:00.000+08:00

MOOD: bored to death..
MUSIC: Kokomo - Beach Boys

I can't take it anymore. Everyone thinks I'm indestructable, the girl who never flinches, the girl who always has a smile on her face, the girl who's gone through nothing, the girl who has no fears. I'm tired of it. I don't want to live behind a wall of laughter and smiles anymore. I want people to understand me. I want people to understand how hard it is to be me, and to have to deal with all of this crap and still be expected to be happy. It's not fair. Why can everyone else just fall apart but I have to keep it together?

Just a continuation of this. I can so relate. Really.

a moment of silence..

2006-08-10T13:36:00.000+08:00

MOOD: quiet.. a little too quiet..
MUSIC: Everywhere (edited version) - Michelle Branch

I am not used to being this quiet. It's like i'm on a speech or talk diet. I wanna blah blah blah but no, i can't. Everybody's just too busy with whatever they're doing. I can't rant out my frustrations. I can't complain. I've been wanting to talk for hours now. But heck, got no one to turn to. I need a sounding board. I need someone to listen. Com'on, talk to me.

...

Okay, okay. For once, i'll shut up. I'll keep quiet, just like everone else. Gaah! This will be a looonng day. Damn.

self-conditioning?

2006-08-09T10:14:00.000+08:00

MOOD: okay lang.. *nga ba?*:D
MUSIC: Push the Buttons (edited version) - SugaBabes

I'm afraid i'm getting too transparent. My friends can just read me like a book. They know me well. A little too well, i may add. I thought it helps that i don't get to see most of them always, but still, even in absence, they somehow sense what i'm going through. Hard as i might to deny, sometimes they can just see through me, or as our present situation calls for it, they can feel something's wrong.

Nothing's really wrong. It's just that, nothing's really right either. I'm somewhere in between. Or, things are somewhat in between. I tell my friends, even myself, that i'm okay. Sometimes, they think otherwise, that i myself, begin to doubt how i really am. Am i really okay? Or am i just saying that to avoid further questions? Will i be able to convince me and others that i really am okay?

looking back..

2006-08-08T10:51:00.000+08:00

MOOD: i'm okay..
MUSIC: With A Smile - Eraserheads

Allan wasn't around yesterday. He texted Arjay to say he's not coming. So i decided to have a trip down memory lane. I began reading my past entries, starting from my first posts until the present. When i was done with my blog, i checked out Irish' blog for her earliest entry. She has less entries so i was done before the day was even over. Then i asked Kai if she knows the link to her first entry. Minutes passed and she still hasn't found it, so i decided to look for it myself. After a few minutes, i got it. I saw her first ever entry. So there, i started reading. It was already 6, time to leave, and i wasn't even halfway done.

Today, Allan's back, but Arjay is not around this time. I continued reading Kai's blog, and i can't help but smile at some of the entries. We all had been so young then. So much had changed. Good changes, bad changes. We've all matured now. We've learned a lot. Nwei, i just wanted to post about this. Allan hasn't given me any instructions yet, so i'm back to reading Kai's blog.:D

a kinda hard day..

2006-08-03T12:51:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sick..
MUSIC: Untitled - Simple Plan

Okay. Sleeplessness is finally taking its toll on me. I feel sick. I woke up with a headache. I got tonsilitis. I'm sneezing quite a lot already, and i know this leads to colds. Soon, i might be coming down with a cough, and sooner, flu. Just had lunch, but had no appetite, and i forced myself to finish the food i've ordered, at the same time, trying hard not to throw up. Damn. I need some medicine. A little loving will definitely help too.:D *wink wink*

of annoyances and appreciations..

2006-08-02T15:06:00.000+08:00

MOOD: argh!
MUSIC: *beep BEEP beep*

If there's one thing i hate, it's having no control of this situation i've gotten myself into. But if there's something i hate more, it's knowing that i'm in such a situation, yet still i choose to remain in this mess.

...

Just finished YM-ing with PeeKay (Dadi as i fondly call him) a few minutes ago. It was like a part 2 of our conversation last Friday night (Saturday dawn). I just appreciate his presence a lot, his friendship and all.

sweet, sad goodbye..

2006-08-01T19:11:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sad, but not grieving..
MUSIC: *cousins' animated conversation*

I didn't go to work today. Actually, almost everyone in the whole family missed out either on work or school, just to attend our Lola's burial. The mass started at 9 in the morning, and ended just a little after 10, after everyone eulogized *is this even a word?* for her. I, on my part, read the poem i made for her last Thursday, while my big bro sang to her Warrior is a Child by Gary V, a song he often sang to her when he's hanging out at her store. We were all in tears when everybody was done. After the mass, we drove to Manila Memorial Park where we laid her to rest.

The whole family gathered here at home for lunch, and me and my cousins had our own group and played cards. It's a gloomy day, not because of the occasion, but because of the weather, and we all stayed in, sprawled across the living room floor, and napped til 6 in the evening. When i woke up, it occured to me how ironic the situation was. Here we are, the whole family, having a semi-reunion, only because of the death of a relative. Looking back, my Lola would have enjoyed everybody's company. Still, i know, we know, she's happy now, looking down on all of us. I know this is what she would have wanted, us, going on with our lives. I just miss her so much.

...

Irish, Augz, and PeeKay came to Lola's wake last Friday night. Kai, Megz, and Jayson would have come to, if only their work permitted them to. Still, i know they sympathize with me, and i love them for that. Nwei, Augz left a little before 11, and 30 minutes later, PeeKay arrived. While Irish really planned on staying the night, PeeKay was just supposed to stay until 2 am, but ended up waiting for the sun to come up before leaving. What happened was, we stayed up all night, talking with each other about a lot of things, our friends and friendship, our lovelives, our respective internships, the economy and politics, and even about some random topic. Then i realized how much i missed them. I missed hanging out with them. With everything we've talked about, now i know why i consider them my two college bestfriends. I miss you guys already. And the rest of the Hinayupackz too.:D

just a minor correction: my Lola's real name is Semproniana Quebral Acidera, opposed to what was wrongly stated in my previous entry.

Happy Birthday, goodbye..

2006-07-27T16:55:00.000+08:00

MOOD: emo mode..
MUSIC: I'll Be Missing You - Puff Daddy feat 112 & Faith Evans

When He came and took you away from us
It wasn't easy to cope with the loss
We were all left in sorrow and pain
We wondered when will we see you again.

You've always had so much to share
Your wit, your trust, your love, your care
You've been like a mom to your nephews and nieces
Us, your apos, you gave us lots of hugs and kisses.

But even if you left us all broken and sad
Somehow, deep inside, we also felt glad
We all know you're now at a better place
You've finally seen our dear Saviour's face.

You watch over us, as you sit by His side
Beside Him to protect us, to guard and to guide
Though it's kind of hard with you not around
We all know you're in heaven, smiling down.

In our hearts' where we're keeping you
All of your memories, we'll treasure them too
With much love from all of us kids
Happy Birthday Lola, you will surely be missed.
I made and lovingly dedicate this poem to my Lola (grand aunt), the late Mrs Semproniana Quebral Aniban, who passed away last Saturday, July 22, five days short of her 92nd birthday, which is today. I love her, the whole family does, and we will surely miss her.

keeping secrets..

2006-07-21T10:25:00.000+08:00

MOOD: simply happy..
MUSIC: The Reason - Hoobastank

Yeah, i know. This blog should be about my revelations, as it says in the title bar, but i guess, revelations will have to wait for some time.

There are things that i'd rather keep to myself for now. Not that i'm being selfish or anything. I really am dying to share this with anyone, but, after what happened in the past, i figured that i just can't go broadcasting to the whole world what's eating me the moment i feel like it. There are things that are better left unsaid. For now, that is.

it's not easy being me..

2006-07-20T12:56:00.000+08:00

MOOD: full.. just had lunch..
MUSIC: Because I'm a Girl - Kiss

Do you think it's easy being me? Do you think it's easy putting on the act that i do every day? I smile when all i want to do is cry. I laugh when all i want to do is die. I want to tell everyone how my world falls apart each night, when i am laying in bed, with tears in my eyes, pleading with God to help me. I want to let everyone know what it is like to be me, pretending to be happy, pretending to be myself. If it was up to me, i wouldn't be pretending. I would actually be happy. Too bad i'm really not.

No, this is not really about me. I just read this somewhere, and it kinda struck a chord. If my situation were different from what it is now, i probably would have been able to relate with this. But no. Definitely not about me. Nice quote though.

a weekend treat..

2006-07-17T13:35:00.000+08:00

MOOD: still hang up on the weekends..
MUSIC: I Saw the Sign - Ace of Base

Weekend came and went. It's back to work again. But honestly, i'm still hang up on everything that happened this past weekend. Yup, it was Radix' 13th Anniversary Celebration, an outing in a nice place in Bucal(?), Laguna, a place called BluSyl. The bus left Manila at around 8am, on Saturday, and we got to Laguna at a little past 9. Mabilis din naman ang biyahe. Pagdating dun, everybody got settled into their respective rooms. After i dropped my bag off, i went out to the hall, and saw everyone grabbing a quick breakfast of bread and coffeee and whatever. I found Arjay, and after we got our food, we sat ourselves on one of the tables that had one familiar face, Caryl. At that moment, thankful ako that Allan invited Arjay and me to join them for lunch last Friday. At least, i met Caryl.

We haven't been seated for a long time yet, when this guy to my right began talking to us. His name, i found out, was Alex. Naipakilala na siya noon ni Allan sa amin, kaso medyo limot ko na rin. A little while later, these guys, JR and Jec, started noticing us too. I didn't know then, that for the rest of that outing, i(we) will be hanging out with them.

A game of Taboo started a little after 10, where i was able to participate. Arjay and i were on different teams, magka-team pa sila ni Allan, and it was their team that won. Another trivia game came up afterwards, and we just watched the other players. Before lunch, Caryl joined us, and we played several rounds of Uno. By lunch time, the guys were back and shared the table with us again. It was after lunch that Arjay and i decided to mingle, and followed the guys off to the billiards table. We watched for a while, until Allan invited Caryl and me for a round of videoke. Arjay was left behind to play with the guys. He followed with the videoke a little while later. In fairness, napakanta ko siya, and to his credit, may boses naman. Promise.

The big bosses took over the mic after some time, and we went back to the billiards hall to the guys. There, we found Jec drinking his heart away. He offered me a glass of a Fundador/Emperador looking liquid, and i hesitantly took and drink it. Later, he told me that it was lambanog from Quezon. It was my first time to taste something like that, and though i could say it didn't taste bad, i don't think i'd try it again. Mapait lalo't water lang ang chaser. After three to four sips, i was already feeling dizzy. They offered me some more, pero i asked the other guys to take my tagay. Sabi ko, delikado pag nakarami ako. Hehehe. Jec and Alex, as i learned after a while, can both speak Ilocano, so i finally felt comfortable with them. Can-relate eh. To wash of the drunkeness that i think i have, sumama na rin ako nung nagkayayaan ng mag-swimming. Arjay excused himself and went to take a nap, while Caryl was nowhere in sight. So again, i was left with the guys.

We weren't really swimming at all. We just sat on one side of the pool, and got to know each other better. Actually, they already knew each other since they belonged to the same batch of trainees at Radix last year. We got along pretty well, and before i knew it, i was already goofing around with them. We cracked jokes, and teased each other. They told me stories about their work and their batch, while they asked me about our internship and school. A little sharing and bonding time with them, it felt good. And, take note, mas matatanda sila kesa sa akin. Puro 'kuya'.

A little before six, Sir Vic called everyone out of the pool for a game of Bingo. Me, the guys, Arjay and Caryl were once again seated at one table. We had two Bingo cards each, but unfortunately, neither of us won any round. Nagkakabiruan na nga kung sino raw ba ang may balat sa puwet sa amin eh. Tapos, nung last game na, block-out round, I-17 na lang ang kulang ko, Bingo na ako. Sir Alex asked kung may namumuro na raw ba sa I. Um-oo ako, pati yung isa pang lalaki sa kabilang mesa. I waited for I-17 to be called. Then when I-16 was said, this guy from the other table jumped and shouted Bingo!. You could just imagine how i looked like when i heard that. Tahimik tuloy ako nung dinner, pero syempre, not because i lost. Wala lang akong maisip na sabihin.

After nun, nagkayayaan uli mag-videoke. Ang mga lalaki, di ko in-expect, marurunong palang kumanta. Oldies pa nga eh. In fairness, may tono. After magpakasawa, swimming uli. I didn't want to get wet again, kahit medyo damp pa ako, so Arjay and i just sat at the kiddie pool's edge, while they swam. Maya-maya, kumuha na si Alex ng San Mig Light at San Miguel Beer sa fridge, and we drank again. Di ko naman naubos yung Light ko, and Jec finished it for me. Afterwards, nagtimpla na lang kami ni Arjay ng kape, and went to watch the guys swim again, this time at the deeper pool. Nagkuwnetuhan na lang uli kami. Tungkol san? Of course, ang favorite topic namin. Hahaha.

Before two, we packed ourselves in, and slept until a little after 5am. After a quick breakfast, we were on our way back to Manila. Like the day before, isang oras din lang ang biyahe. Di nga lang namalayan kasi tulog kami for most of the trip. Puyat-puyat eh. Pagbaba ng Radix, i didn't see any more of the guys, which was better. Feeling ko kasi, parang ang hirap mag-goodbye. Eto na nga ba yung sinasabi ko eh. Ayaw kong napapalapit at gumagaan ang loob ko sa mga taong pansamantala ko lang makakasama. Haaay! Nwei, i've emailed Alex already, and i hope we become good friends.

So there. A lengthy recap of Saturday and Sunday. Not much kuwento about yesterday, kasi pagdating ko ng bahay ng 8:30 am, plakda agad ako sa kama, and slept until 7 in the evening. Haba ng tulog noh? Bawi lang. Tapos eto, back to work na naman. Parang ang hirap magtrabaho after mag-relax. Sana relax na lang lagi. Hehehe. Wish ko lang.

sweet, sweet thoughts..

2006-07-13T15:34:00.000+08:00

MOOD: better, i guess..
MUSIC: Out of Reach - Gabrielle

BOY: I need someone to talk to.
GIRL: I'm always here for you.
BOY: I know.
GIRL: What's wrong?
BOY: I like her so much.
GIRL: Talk to her.
BOY: I don't know. She won't ever like me.
GIRL: Don't say that. You're amazing.
BOY: I just want her to know how I feel.
GIRL: Then tell her.
BOY: She won't like me.
GIRL: How do you know that?
BOY: I just can tell.
GIRL: Well, just tell her then.
BOY: What should I say?
GIRL: Tell her how much you like her.
BOY: I tell her that daily.
GIRL: What do you mean?
BOY: I'm always with her. I love her.
GIRL: I know how you feel. I have the same problem, but he'll never like me.
BOY: Wait, who do you like?
GIRL: Oh, some boy.
BOY: Oh. She won't like me either.
GIRL: She does.
BOY: How do u know?
GIRL: Because, who wouldn't like you?
BOY: You.
GIRL: You're wrong, I love you.
BOY: I love you too.
GIRL: So, are you going to talk to her?
BOY: I just did.

So there, nakahanap na ako ng pambawi sa previous entry ko. It's nice to know things could end in a positive note pala. I found(read) both entries in a Friendster bulletin.

stupid thoughts..

2006-07-13T08:56:00.000+08:00

MOOD: sleepy, so early in the day..
MUSIC: Dreams - The Cranberries *midi*

BOY: I saw her today.
GIRL: I saw him today.
BOY: It seems like it's been forever.
GIRL: I wonder if he still cares.
BOY: She looks better than before.
GIRL: I couldn't stop staring at him.
BOY: I asked her how things were going.
GIRL: I asked about his new girlfriend.
BOY: I'd choose her over any girl i'm with.
GIRL: He's probably really happy right now.
BOY: I couldn't look at her without starting to cry.
GIRL: He couldn't even look at me.
BOY: I told her I miss her.
GIRL: He doesn't mean it.
BOY: I meant it.
GIRL: He didn't mean it.
BOY: I love her.
GIRL: He loves his new girlfriend.
BOY: I held her for the last time.
GIRL: He gave me a friendly hug.
BOY: Then I went home and cried.
GIRL: Then I went home and cried.
BOY: I lost her.
GIRL: I still love him.

What if this happened to you? Lungkot noh? Minsan kasi, may mga bagay talaga na dapat sinasabi na. Para malinaw. Para walang left in the dark. Nang walang wasted time and love, just because of unspoken truth, hidden feelings, and concealed emotions.

on my own..

2006-07-12T10:49:00.000+08:00

MOOD: okay lang..
MUSIC: Til I Hear It From You - Gin Blossoms

On my own (pretending he's beside me). I bet, kung alam mo ang kantang ito, napasabay ka. Nwei, yup, i'm on my own, here at work, that is. Arjay has got somewhere to go, and is coming in a little after lunch. Basically, i'm by myself, continuing the web pages we've started yesterday.

It has been raining hard this morning. May bagyo ata. Bagyo, hindi tornado, as some poeple claim. Flood almost everywhere. Parang ang sarap mag-stay home at matulog. Ang kaso, i need to come to work, dahil kung hindi, mas tambak ang trabaho bukas kung nagkataon. Walang gagawa eh.

Medyo bored na rin ako. Wala akong makausap. Buti na lang all these work's keeping me busy and all. Okay na rin naman kahit paano. Naaliw din naman ako sa mga nag-flood ng tagboard ko, at sa mga nagcomment sa iba kong posts.

Nga pala, to those wondering kung para kanino yung poem sa previous entry, wala lang yun. *foolish grin on my face* Hehehe. I got inspired by one poem i read in a thread in praning. Yun.:D

my love story..

2006-07-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

MOOD: inspired kuno..
MUSIC: You're Beautiful - James Blunt *midi*

here i am again tonight,
with all these thoughts of you
wondering if you're okay
are you thinking of me too?

i wish i'm there beside you
or maybe just read your mind
do i have a place inside your heart
coz i sure am keeping you in mine..

it bothers me why i feel this way
there are things now i just can't say
wish i've known this from the very start
i'm left again with a troubled heart..

i thought things are easy, yet i'm struggling
tried hard to resist it, yet i'm falling
i thought i'm okay, yet i feel like dying
is this my love story, without a happy ending?

5 months and counting?

2006-07-09T02:00:00.000+08:00

MOOD: still up and awake..
MUSIC: Mockingbird - Eminem *midi*

It has been five months (kahapon) since that day. I don't even know why i'm still bothering to write about this. Siguro, dahil na-windang lang naman ako sa text ni Irish kanina, hapi monthsary?. Siguro din, dahil wala lang akong maisulat na matino, kaya eto na lang ang naisip kong topic (and since very timing naman din).

Wala lang. Di na ako affected, and yeah, i guess it helped that i haven't seen him at all for the past two and a half months. Wala na nga ata talaga yung dating nararamdaman ko for him. Ka-text ko kanina si Augz, and never did i ask how he (not Augz) was, not that i didn't want to. It just never entered my mind. I guess that's how unimportant *can't think of a better term, sorry* he is to me now. Kung dati, he's the first person i ask of, now, not anymore. Safe to say, he's out of the picture already, though not out of my life.

Why am i talking about him now? Wala lang. Naisip ko lang. He just entered my mind for no reason whatsoever. I could have talked about someone else, ang kaso, siya naisip ko eh. So yun. I just have to let it out.

Friday, I'm Bored..

2006-07-07T22:02:00.000+08:00

MOOD: so gaaah!!
MUSIC: Harder to Breathe - Maroon 5

I've been bored out of my wits after lunch today. I wasn't doing anything, except listen to whatever's playing in my mp3. Ang sarap nga mag-MTV moment eh. Feel ko talaga. So there, i had a staring contest (to use Kai's term) with my monitor. It even turned off on me, twice or thrice, since i wasn't doing anything at all. Siguro kung enabled lang na ma-view sa YM list ko ang idle time ko, it would have displayed Idle - 48 minutes or something.

Napanis din ata laway ko, kasi busy-busyhan naman ang drama ng katabi ko, di kami nagkukuwentuhan. Wala rin akong maka-chat, kasi lahat Busy status. So yun, nagmuni-muni na lang ako. Nag-iisip kunwari. Nagpepretend na busy *with matching kunot ng noo pa* pag dumaraan yung IP namin. Gusto na ngang sumuko ng mga mata ko eh. Bored na, sleepy pa. Kaloka.

Nwei, one week na nga rin pala kami sa bago naming terminal. Left pic shows where we are now *na-extra pa si Arjay; blog ni Kai yung naka-display sa monitor ko*, right pic was where we used to be (middle row, mid PCs - bakante na siya ngayon), bottom pic - what's behind us. Yung IP namin, si Allan (who used to be stationed at my terminal), sa tapat ko, so kapag tumatayo siya, napapansin ko agad.

Weekend na naman. I hope to get enough rest for next week. Nga pala, we're going on a company outing. 13th anniv ng Radix eh, sa 15 na. Looking forward to it.

Friday, I'm In Loved..

2006-07-07T13:00:00.000+08:00

MOOD: happy..
MUSIC: Friday, I'm In Loved - The Cure

I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday, I'm in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love

I don't care if Mondays black
Tuesday, Wednesday - heart attack
Thursday, never looking back
It's Friday, I'm in love

Monday, you can hold your head
Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday - watch the walls instead
It's Friday, I'm in love

Saturday, wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday, never hesitate..

Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a shriek
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's Friday, I'm in love..

Girls vs Grown Women..

2006-07-06T08:48:00.000+08:00

MOOD: yeah, okay lang..
MUSIC: Sweet Thing - Nina

I read this in an email. Mukhang tama naman eh, kaya naisip ko lang i-post. If a lot of these things don't describe me, i don't know what does.

Girls leave their schedule wide open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.

Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls try to put a man 'on lock' by using sex.
Grown women know that it's the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to 'lock' you down.

Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it--using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come.
Grown women make you come home.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e. don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special and goes to kick it with her own friends!

Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women show him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his manhood.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all signs.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back and move on without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other grown women!

*email kasi, kaya may 'pass it on' pa talaga sa dulo.*

me & my big mouth..

2006-07-05T10:21:00.000+08:00

MOOD: silence ang drama ko..
MUSIC: Dreams - The Cranberries

My big mouth really gets me into trouble. Bad habit. Di ko na naman naisip yung magiging dating ng mga sinabi ko. Asar kaya. Napahamak na naman ako. Nandamay pa ako. Haaay, buhay. Parang life.

CluelessVille: re-launched..

2006-07-05T00:18:00.000+08:00

MOOD: pretty good about myself..
MUSIC: I Could Let You Love Me - The Tempramentals

And i'm back in the game.:D Missed me? Hehehe.

no questions asked..

2006-07-04T23:27:00.000+08:00

MOOD: kinda pissed..
MUSIC: Goodbye - Juana

When i say sorry, i mean it, so don't go questioning my sincerity on that matter. I don't apologize just for the sake of it. It took me time to think things over, and realize my mistakes, and admit that i've been wrong. I say sorry, only to be rebuffed?!

updates, updates..

2006-07-03T21:29:00.000+08:00

MOOD: feeling good, na naman..
MUSIC: Don't Want You Back - Eamon

I was supposed to re-launch my blog last Saturday, but since i had no internet card, it got postponed. Last Friday evening, i used the remaining hours to email some people. Sorry, Irish. I know you were so looking forward to reading my posts.

Yesterday, i got together with Jedd and Kuya Ryan in Cubao. We had a lot of catching up, even if i last saw Jedd on May. Hey, so much could happen between then and now, right? So nwei, in Kuya Ry's case, last i saw of him was March 2003. Long ago, right? So, you could just imagine how much we missed each other. We updated each other three years worth of stories in 10 hours.

Jedd left earlier in the afternoon, but Kuya Ry and i still had so much to talk about. We ended up having dinner at KFC, where we continued talking and reminiscing and all. It was a fun day, and i regret that it had to end. Oh well, we're all here in Manila, there are still other chances.

moving on (to new terminals)..

2006-06-30T22:50:00.000+08:00

MOOD: end-of-month blues..
MUSIC: My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne

Hahaha! Contradicting mood and music.. Nwei, we got moved to our new work station. From a terminal open to everyone, Arjay and i got our own cubicles. Yeah, baby! After two months of being exposed to everyone in Radix, i gotta say, we have our privacies now. Haven't got a decent picture yet, but those above will just have to do for now.

*right pic: former station; left pic: new cubicle*

emotional mode..

2006-06-29T22:21:00.000+08:00

MOOD: *read title*
MUSIC: Ipagpatawad Mo - VST & Co

Darn it. I'm emotional again. Hormones? I don't think so. It's not even that time of the month. I just can't lay a finger on what's bothering me right now. Argh!

intern lecture and all..

2006-06-24T23:06:00.000+08:00

MOOD: tired, pero okay lang..
MUSIC: Dry Your Eyes - 112

I went to school for a different reason, but ended up staying for the announced intern lecture. I got texts asking for confirmation if we had a lecture, and I had replied wala, sa July pa to a lot of people, only to find out on the supposed time today of the lecture, that we actually have one scheduled for today. Down kasi ang mail server kaya may mga hindi naka-receive ng emails.

I got to the cafeteria ahead of Bhasti, and waited there, with Marc arriving a good ten minutes before he did. I got a text na sa 4th ang venue nung lecture, so we hurriedly went there, and arrived late, but only to a few students who were able to attend. We stayed at the back, where our attention was called a few times because we were just noisy.

After the lecture, we had our picture taken with Miss Mhynne and Miss Jona. We even joked and asked for a copy. Afterwards, Marc and Bhasti were asked to help Miss Jona carry the newsletter back to the CPO, where we ended up having a photo op with MJ and Bribz, and eventually, with Miss Jona, who seemed reluctant at first, but gamely gave in to our camwhoreness.

Over lunch, we continued talking about our respective internships, and shared a lot with each other. Of course, camwhoreness took over. I was with two of my best camwhore buddies, Kai and Bhasti. *grins* After a while, i asked Bhasti if he could accompany me in canvassing for a mobile hard disk. Marc volunteered to help me out, se the three of us ended going to ParkSquare together. Kai didn't wanna come. It was raining when we got there, but it soon let up.

After finding myself a good deal, we decided to grab a snack, before leaving. But a spontaneous tara, nood tayo Scary Movie 4, led us to WalterMart, where the three of us watched. So there i was again, movie tripping. This has got to stop.:D

I got home, and overheard Lola talking to someone on the phone, and found out (after she hang up) that the phone call was for me. I had a guess that it was Irish, so i called her up, and ended up talking to her for two hours. Grabe! sunog ang linya. Hahaha!

getting over him..

2006-06-23T23:08:00.000+08:00

MOOD: basta..
MUSIC: Don't Worry baby - Beach Boys

I guess they were right when they said that time passes by quickly when you're having fun. We're less than five months away until our internship is over. Nwei, here's something that just came to my mind:

help me stop what I used to feel
open my eyes, show me what’s real
wake me up from this so-called dream
just be my friend, while I get over him..

make me realize things that I can’t see
help me realize why things shouldn’t be
show me more of life I never thought existed
remind me of the good things I once took for granted..

stay beside me, and keep me sane
help me forget all my heartaches and pain
show me how beautiful life really is
refresh me everything that I have missed..

help me get back up again
tell me to move on, tell me that I can
smile at me, and dry my tears
be with me as I overcome my fears..

be my reason as I live again
say that I can make it, as you hold my hand
do what you can, do what you have to do
til I can finally tell him, "i've gotten over you!"..

I made a slight change at the end of the poem, not that it really matters.

all work, no play?

2006-06-21T22:35:00.000+08:00

MOOD: hmmm..
MUSIC: Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore - Air Supply

Allan came to give us another set of pages to design, and to remind us of our internet use. Of course, this started out another complain-fest from me and Arjay, although we didn't tell them to Allan himelf. We kept our complaints to ourselves, and worked on the pages.

We wanted to protest the ban of our internet use during office hours, but figured that maybe Allan was just saying all that. We then proceeded on guessing whoever was the culprit in ratting out on us. FYI, we just surf the net when we've got nothing to do already, when we're done with what Allan's giving us.

For the rest of the day, i could say we've accomplished enough, that there's nothing Allan could really say about us. He gives us tons to do. We ask a lot of questions. We complain to ourselves, but still we do what we're supposed to do. We may seem aloof, but we keep ourselves busy. We're not perfect, but we try our best. What else could Allan ask for, right? He's got two (of the best) interns doing his job for him.

Nwei, today's my brother's and sister-in-law's 11th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary to both of you, and may our good Lord continue to bless both of you, your marriage, and your family. I love you, guys!

movie marathon..

2006-06-19T22:27:00.000+08:00

MOOD: ewan ko..
MUSIC: Careless Whispre - Tamia

I had a hard time keeping my eyes open today. Why? They feel droopy, and i wanted to get matchsticks, use them as props to keep my eyes open. Why? Yesterday, for like 7 hours, i, together with Bhasti, Augz and Megz, stayed inside the movie house. It was a movie marathon weekend for us.

Friday morning, i asked Augz if he was free if ever Bhasti and i planned to get together. He said he was, and then we made plans to meet up in SM Bicutan for a food and movie trip. Bhasti confirmed on Saturday, and we talked about watching two movies. One sure movie on our list was The Lake House. We were debating between Fast & the Furious Tokyo Drift and Kapag Tumibok ang Puso (yup, trip din namin ni Bhasti ang Pinoy movies), and agreed to decide on it on Sunday.

Sunday afternoon came, and Megz confirmed that he'll be coming too. We planned to meet up at 1:30, but ended up assembled by 2pm. The four of us were discussing which movie to watch first. We agreed on The Fast & the Furious. After Bhasti bought the tickets, we had a few minutes left to buy our snacks before the movie started.

We got in just as the opening credits of the movie rolled off screen. The movie was okay, and we were amazed with how the actors drove those astig-looking cars. I wish i had my own. And when i saw Vin Diesel at the end of the movie, i decided the movie was worth it.

After the movie, we ran across the building to the cinema where The Lake House is showing. We still had a few minutes before the movie actually started, and so we started joking each other for a third movie. I said it was okay with me. Augz said the same, and Bhasti agreed. Megz didn't want to at first, but we were able to convince him. So there, while waiting for The Lake House to begin, Bhasti went out to buy us tickets for Kapag Tumibok ang Puso.

The Lake House began, and there i was, falling in love with Keannu Reeves all over again. I loved him and Sandra Bullock during their Speed movie days, but i loved them more in this movie. I don't wanna give out spoilers, so i won't go into details about the movie anymore.

When the movie ended, we went back to the other side of the building for our third movie. We didn't wait for the last full show (coz we didn't want to get into trouble with Megz' parents) so we went in, right in the middle of the movie. No choice kami eh. Nagtetext na nga mom ni Megz sa akin, pero deadma lang. Hahaha!

It had been a fun weekend with them, although i have to say that my eyes almost gave up on me. I need some sleep. Gotta go.

work madness..

2006-06-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

MOOD: ho-hum..
MUSIC: Always - Atlantic Star

Ooh, the week went by so quickly, and almost didn't notice the days go by. As expected, i'm again dead-tired from all the work we've done at the office.

Last Wednesday, our IP Allan (yup, Arjay and i dropped the 'sir', coz we realized we didn't really have to. See, i knew something like this would happen) gave us the pages that we have to start working on. Arjay and i traded codes and pages over YM, and designed in silence. We have to use this existing CSS that they have, and mind you, they could use Megz' or Bribz' expertise on this one.

Background on our project: We were to translate a windows application into a web application using VB and ASP. It is an already existing system for a motor company, and we were tasked to do all the pages and parts of the codes.

Over lunch, we talked about our work and Allan. Evil, but yeah, we do talk about Allan. No trash talk though, just opinions. *wink wink* Then we wondered if he talks about us too, with his officemates/friends. Palibhasa kasi, gawain namin, kaya siguro naisip din namin yun.

By Thursday morning, we were finished with the first set of pages that Allan asked us to work on. Afternoon came, and i guess Allan saw us staring at our monitors again, coz minutes later, he gave us a new batch of pages to work on.

A little after lunch a while ago, we were once again finished designing our web pages. Allan came to check up on us, and told us that there'll be another kainan today. It was the June celebrants' turn of treating everyone this time.

Nakantiyawan na naman kami ni Arjay, kung kelan naman daw ba kami magpapakain. Oh, pressure! Last month, ganyan din ang hirit nila. Pano na yan? Unfair kaya. Ang dami nilang nag-aambagan for the food eh, tapos kami, kaming dalawa lang para sa kanilang lahat. Wag naman. Bahala na nga.